[Jess~]

it's a scary thing to have your heart broken;
the first time, especially.
or maybe it's the 3rd time that truly stings the worst
(because no, the third time is not always a charm.)
or maybe the worst time
-- the only truly heart breaking, soul shattering, mind numbing time --
is the time you get your heart broken,
but find that by now, you've lost count how many times it's happened.
by now, it's "just another failed attempt at this so-called romance shit."
by now, it's normal.
i mean,
is there really any other way this can end?
by now...
is it even worth trying, anymore? really??

and it is scary;
that fear that you'll never find love.
that fear that you'll never be loved.
...but you know what's truly terrifying?
it's when all of a sudden
out of the breathless silence
that you've endured for so long,
a single,
whisper of a bird,
begins to chirp.

when out of nowhere,
in the shadows you've learned to call home,
a lighter you thought had long run out of lighter fluid,
begins to attempt
to spark.

when under the rust of your beaten, broken down heart
those corroded, busted gears and cogs,
suddenly begin to harshly sputter
to life.

and you can breathe again.

and you can't, at the same time.

and the world becomes these colors -- all sorts of wonderful, gushing colors that you thought never existed.
the earth is no longer slugging through slow motion.
life is not a black-and-white silent film.
you can feel things again -- the good and the bad.
and for once, that's better than being numb.

and the chirping bird sings.
and the empty lighter sparks a bonfire.
and your internal engine of emotions kicks itself back to life.

and you've fallen in love.
slowly.
unexpectedly.

and it's utterly
terrifying.

not because you're finally living.
no.

but because,
if you can live again...

doesn't that mean you can die again
too?