[Kate*]

You are a fucking asshole, and given that its Youtube and your attitude, I seriously doubt it. Do you deal with your supposed "clients" like that?! Although in my experience, I'm the only one to ever end up disqualified. Must learn to STOP doing this. And I lost another Saturday to the endless depression. This will kill me, I swear.

Why do I always decide I'm ready to contact a therapist on the weekend when I can't?! By Monday I don't want to do it anymore. Maybe it's a sign. As long as I do nothing, it will get worse, or at least not better. But, if I do it, it'll get worse first, then maybe better, maybe not. Or it could get worse if I end up with yet another one like them.

I think I'm finally ready. I'd prefer to do this by email since that's supposedly an option, but the link is broken. Stupid phone anxiety. At least if I make the appointment all she has to do is take me and it's close. She'll probably still try to tell me I don't need it and talk me out of it. I think it's pretty clear at this point that I'm not going to pull myself out of this. It's been almost 2 years and I'm still barely holding on. I'm less emotionally raw, but I still have no life. And if I get screwed out of this because the Medicaid lapses again for no reason YOU can deal with it this time because I did it last time, you're in charge of this, and I screwed it up, so I'm NOT doing it again. I would wait until January to do this, but chances are, even if I made the appointment tomorrow, it would be at least January by the time I got in.

I know what the problem is: I've lost my purpose. I've lost my "spark". At least I know I didn't do it to myself (or did I?!) I am not expendable. I'm a human being with a heart and feelings. Find a nicer way to destroy people next time. Of course, I'm probably the only time this will happen, ever. The fact that I know what I know provides some comfort.