[tranquility]

i am extremely lonely, and it makes me want to die.

to explain things a bit, i have two groups of "friends". i have two people in my life that i am close to. the first group are a year below me in school. this already makes things a little awkward. i also sit with them at lunch. i am closer with this group than the other, but i still consider them more acquaintances. one of the people i am close with in life is in this group, and the rest are just her friends. i talk to them and enjoy their company, but i know that they really don't like me that much. i never get invited to parties or anything of the sort. they hang out together a lot and sleep over quite a bit. i have slept over with them once, and the whole time i felt very excluded. i spent a lot of time on my phone by myself or locked in the bathroom. they didn't know i was gone.

the other group consists of kids in my year. they are all pretty popular and well off. my crush is in this group, and he is the closest person i have in this group. but still, everyone in it is merely people i talk to in the hall to make myself seem less alone. and i don't necessarily feel singled out in that way- not all of them are super close with each other. but yet, they hang out on the weekends. they have parties. they have fun together. i am never asked to come. i saw a livestream that one of them posted this morning where they were all having a pool party and having fun. moments after they saw i joined, it was deleted very suddenly.

i am the black sheep of my school. they all get along so nicely, but no one ever stops to ask how i am. no one ever asks to hang out or even talk for a while. i stay at home by myself every single weekend, just watching everyone in my school have fun. i am the one that walks behind everyone else on the sidewalk so there's room for the more important people. i am the one that sits on the far side of the lunch table so getting in on conversations is difficult. i am no ones first choice to hang out with. no one thinks to them self, "i would really like to hang out with them today." it just doesn't happen. no one comes to my birthday parties. i saw one person from my school last summer. i don't get any texts from anyone other than my mother.

i am no one's friend. i want to die.

i can't just make new friends either. no one at my school likes me. i am overweight and ugly. some of my teachers don't even know my name. most kids don't. people laugh at me in the halls. i constantly have eyes on me, judging me.

i want to die.