[Skyline]

Thank you for your response!

Educating others in what sort of response will help you can be very helpful to others

I know this, and the frustrating thing about this situation is that I also have an intense fear that when I'm hanging out with someone they don't actually want to be with me and they're just being nice. So I know I won't go straight up to my friends/bf and tell them that when I get that way it helps most to have one of them there, because I would then feel like I was imposing this on them. Also, when I start retreating into myself and feeling anxious I often genuinely believe that I want to be totally by myself, so if someone were to offer help I may decline and I'll only realize later on that I really need someone there but I've already turned them down. I suppose I'll learn to get help better as I experience this more and more. (And in some strange way, the knowledge that I can completely isolate myself is very comforting at first... so maybe it's necessary for me to have that possibility instead of knowing that if one of my friends notices they'll immediately join me. This is just a hypothesis though, I really don't know.)

So you do OK in very small groups, less than 5 people?

I have noticed the dynamics of a group change when the group is below that size, and also when the group is above 10 people.

Really it's just that I get uncomfortable whenever I feel like someone isn't acting "genuinely" and being their casual self... I'm not sure if I can explain this quite right but I'll try. What I mean is that if people's behaviour changes because of a social situation (as you pointed out, the dynamics change quite often depending on the size) and they start putting on (what feels to me like) more of an "act" instead of being calm and open and collected, I get unsettled and anxious, partly because I can't relate to that change of behaviour and it feels like they're being fake and partly because I start to doubt myself and think that maybe I'm the weird one and that it's strange that I'm not more hyped than any of them are and I feel like I'm not interesting (athough the sheer number of people and noise in itself is overwhelming for me, so it isn't just about how people are acting but it's a big part of it).
Basically it seems to me that if you have two people talking together and they're both completely alone, no matter what their relationship they will act more "naturally" and will allow themselves to be more vulnerable and will be more contemplative instead of just talking for the sake of talking, but if you have people conversing as part of a large group (say 10 people) it's as if they talk for their ego as opposed to their "true selves", and they try to be loud and fun and entertaining. I have this one friend (he's more like a friend of my close friends though, I don't know him that well) who I've noticed is naturally a bit of a jokester and likes to entertain people, but as soon as we're more than 4 people with him it's like that aspect of his personality gets magnified ten times and it seems to me like he feels this need to be the center of attention and be the funniest person in the room, so I find it extremely difficult to be comfortable around him. I also notice that one of my closest friends will go into Gossip Mode when they're with more than a couple of people and they try to tell these sensational stories by exaggerating what really happened and it's almost like they've changed into a different person.
Part of it is also that when you're in a bi group of people it's like you're expected to be constantly chatting, when if you wre being "natural" and were with a close friend you would be comfortable being silent and now and again bring something up when you genuinely have a desire to talk about it. So as someone who is especially quiet, it's like my quietness is emphasized in these situations where you're expected to do just the opposite and my mind races for something to say when really I'm happy sitting back and observing and mulling over things by myself.
I know that I'm looking at this in a really cynical way, but I don't mean to say that it's their fault or anything and that they're doing it consciously, because I know that usually when you do something like that to gain attention it's because subconsciously you must have some insecurities so you feel the need to show yourself as this fun, entertaining person. And I don't mean to say that they're being completely fake and that they shouldn't act this way, because I imagine that if you're able to get into that kind of mood it must feel very exciting and fun.

So as a general rule I do much better in small groups, although there are still times when for whatever reason I'm already in an anxious mood and I'll find things to be insecure about no matter what and I'll compare myself to everyone for no reason.
Basically if I'm with a group of more than 5 people I can guarantee that 99% of the time at some point I'll feel anxious (and usually once I start it's hard tos top), whereas with a group of just 4 people or less I'll only be anxious if someone is acting particularly superficial or if I'm already in that anxious head space.

(I actually find it ironic that I found your story very interesting to read, about how you see yourself as the opposite of interesting!)

Thank you so much, that's really one of the best things someone could say to me I really enjoy writing and I find I can express myself much more clearly when writing.

Best wishes to you too!