[Jess~]

Hey welcome to TH.

I'm actually struggling with the same thing right now. Yes, there's some urge to cut and release the pain, but aside from that, I have this deep, unsettling love for the way scars look on my arm.
I don't know what kind of mental state you're in right now, so I'm not sure if I'd exactly advise you to do this as well as it could lead to cutting. But what I do when I want to see scars on my arm is I take fake blood, red paint, or a red marker and draw the cuts on my arm. Sometimes I'll even use the non-sharp side of the blade, the straight side, to put the paint or blood on. So it really does "feel" like I'm cutting, sometimes I even think I feel the pain. But there's no actual injury.

I wouldn't suggest this as an every day coping method, as sometimes it has left me wanting more. But it definitely does help when the urges get too strong. Plus, after awhile of putting the fake cuts on my arm, it feels more like just doing art and it really relaxes me. I think if you put all your focus into any coping mechanism, it'll eventually distract and relax you the same way cutting would.
The BEST part about this method is after I've relaxed and been able to calm down, therefore not having the urge to cut anymore, I'm able to wash off the "scars" and not have to deal with the pain and constant lies and making sure they're covered in public. It can make you super grateful to yourself for not giving in to the urges.

I don't know, it works for me so I figured I'd share.

As far as why you like having the marks there, I can't answer that. Just know that you're definitely not the only one who feels that way. Perhaps it's because so much emotion builds up for a person to have the urge to cut, that I guess a lot of emotion is put into cutting itself. In a way, we kind of have some deep attachment to our marks, because we know what happened to cause them. I think the term "battle wounds" is used too often to romanticize cutting, but in this case it's pretty accurate. There's an internal battle we had to fight against, and sometimes I think we want people to see we're fighting that battle because we don't want to keep fighting it alone, but we don't know how to ask for help. Self harm, in a way, shows the evidence of that internal battle, externally.

Maybe even look for some other way to cover your arm, without replicating the scars like I talked about above. Use your arm to jot down reminders, write quotes, positive words, etc. Draw something on your arm. Maybe even look for potential tattoo designs that could cover it up so you don't feel the urge as much.