[Tigereyes]

I don't even know where to fit this because it covers so many different topics.

I'm a senior in college, supposed to have one semester left after this one because I had to withdraw from some classes because of disability-related hospitalization and surgery. I have chronic fatigue as a symptom of my disability, so getting through classes is normally a struggle. I have depression. I have recently developed test anxiety, but I'm starting to learn to manage it. I have problems with addiction because unhealthy behaviors and substances is how I cope when life is so unmanageable (I'm finally getting help for this).

I'm losing my mind this semester. I've pushed myself so hard the past 3.5 years that I'm just exhausted physically and mentally, and I keep falling behind because of the fatigue, which ultimately makes me more fatigued. My courses are high stress because they're all just a few difficult tests that determine your entire grade, but that's normal (think 4 finals weeks per semester, every semester). I'm having multiple life crises all in the same semester, and it's destroying me. I thought it couldn't get any worse, so then I lost my cat, who was very close to me for almost 18 years. And I've forced myself to keep pushing through it and pull things off like I always do. Everyone's leaning on me (friends, group members in classes), but I can't support myself anymore, but I have to hold everyone else's weight too. And so I finally crumbled and fucked up a major exam for one of my classes, and I highly doubt I'll be able to turn my grade around. But I have an A in the lab, which is nearly done and I don't want to lose all that hard work. I can't drop just the lecture because I will be required to drop the lab I have the A in. I can't drop the lecture (and lab) without losing financial aid, which I need. I'd need to get a job to make up for no financial aid, but I'm too much of a wreck to try to balance school AND a job right now. Withdraw date is next week, and next semester will already be hell without adding this required hell course to it.

I'm seeing an addiction counselor at school (only counselor I can tolerate and school is only option for counseling because its free with tuition) once about every three weeks and regularly attending AA meetings and other recovery meetings (multiple times per week). I'm losing my mind though. There's so much left of the semester, and I'm just done. I'm at a loss for what to do.

Mostly need to rant and figure out what the fuck to do. Advice is okay, but please don't say anything like it'll get better or at least it's not worse. Thanks..