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DiafolEternal Offline
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Name: Craig
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Location: Wales

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Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: Are you alive? What do you live for? WHY do you do what you do? - January 18th 2019, 11:42 PM

Something a friend asked my write, but was tired and had gone to bed before i finished...

"Ok... so many vodkas later... I want to start this off by letting you know I am here for you x
I feel I am telling you my problems more than listening to yours these days. I don’t know if that’s my paranoia or truth. Regardless I am sorry xxx
But i want you to know I am always here for you, I will always have an open ear for you, a shoulder for you to cry on, or a friend to chill with and ignore the world around us. We can watch friends, draw, and make tails. Literally anything you want x

But you have told me to open up to you right now, and I hope i am not adding to your existing worries. i do not want to weigh upon you. Although you said you watch my FB posts so I may be doing that already x

I want to start with the good. I am 253 days SH free. And although I have defiantly been close, I have resisted. I still keep my pack of blades near. Maybe it is a control thing like you said yours was, with when rich took yours away from you. I’m not really sure but it is a comfort to know it’s there, and I can do that whenever I want. I have the tools and the plasters for aftercare. As I have never done that as a means to an end if you know what I mean. And although I have defiantly been considering it, You, rich, DnD guys, Kiba, family/friends. All of it plays a part in me not trying again x. and I do not mean that as a guilt trip towards any of you if that’s how it comes across xxxx

I was hoping the "good" section would be longer than that

But for the bad:
Both SH and "IT" are on my mind a lot right now, and I feel I am going nuts.
Your message regarding Baudros "Exactly! A life! A reason to exist" kind of hit home in that i don’t have those. Even though I may do to my family and friends, and logical me is trying to convince myself that I do in all my friends/family lives and the future I can make for myself. The “ME” I don’t want does its best to convince me this is pointless and is ALWAYS chipping away at me to give up.
All of the above had stopped for a few months after starting the sertraline, but now it’s all back with a vengeance with added issue

As we slightly talked about earlier, I never used to dream. Well if I did I would remember. Maybe 1 or 2 dreams a year. More so when I was with Sara and it would be our future, out children, ect. For the 2-3 years after I would remember zero of them. And the past 2-3 months I remember loads and don’t know what was a dream and what wasn’t, I have night terrors. I can’t sleep....

You asked "What are you hallucinating?" earlier.

So more so during the times I’m going to sleep or waking up. I’ll remember fights with family/friends that never happened. I’ll remember seeing people that weren’t there. So if you wake me up in that state now ill naturally reach out to try and touch you to see if you are real or not. Discussions that never happened. Relationships that never existed. "Normal" stuff that could happen, but didn’t.
Ill also think night terrors are real, all the walls and ceiling of my room covered in spiders, a ghoulish figure standing over me, my throat/wrists bleeding out as the walls bleed in unison. Surreal things like that...
I started trying to count my fingertips as habit (Chris recommended it) something to know "I am awake" and try to lucid dream to control it but that hasn’t worked and I can count the 4 fingers while they drip with blood... Chris said he counts 5 in that state.

Sometimes even while awake, although it is rarer, I will see that same ghoulish figure, a pitch black hound, or something in the corner of my eye or around the corner and it will make my heart race and depending on how I feel at that time, ill either bare my fists to fight. Or run like a bitch in very real terror...

But based on the pure definition of the word Psychotic. "Psychosis is characterized by an impaired relationship with reality. It's a symptom of serious mental disorders. People who are experiencing psychosis may have either hallucinations or delusions. Hallucinations are sensory experiences that occur within the absence of an actual stimulus"
I think I would be classified as psychotic... it’s a large part of why I drink, cannot have this shit if I am blacked out rather than asleep.

I should have seen my doctor within a few weeks of me starting these meds because of the "digestion" issues they have caused. Now I am more afraid of getting sanctioned or something if I admit the above to a professional. As we discovered earlier from Bandersnatch. Neither of us are very good talkers. I have got to be wrecked to be this honest, even to my closest friend, never mind a stranger. And the last time I went to the docs I got rekted beforehand so I can be honest. And Dr.Rhys (IIRC, was rekt obviously) just chastised me for smelling of booze rather than addressing my issues.

Even as I type this, I don’t know why I am. No one on the outside can really help with existential depression. I feel I have unlocked that door and it is not something that can be shut again. I have had these feelings 15ish years. And it is a constant race to find meaning vs my brain telling me there is no meaning. Other than my one attempt, I can usually stay just ahead. But with the added Psychosis I am struggling....

As a final note on this already way too long thing. A thing I wrote a few months back that comments say I should share?

Some people have a drive, an ambition, a dream. Something they want from this world before they leave. But not me. Some people live for others, their children, their friends, and their family. A cage, a chain, a guilt trip to stay confined.
Others live for the journey. The smells, the tastes, the feelings. What do you do when all experience is meaningless?
What about faith? A Christian, a Muslim, a Jew. All live life in a way their god tells
Them is right and just. All in hopes of reward, an afterlife worth suffering for. But
What does the Atheist have? Past this life of suffering? Nothing... Remember how it was before you were born?... Exactly, nothing. And that is what awaits the Atheist.
All of humanity either hates all of their life or hates the Monday to Friday, the nine
Till five, just praying for the weekend. How sad is it that most people pray for 5/7th
Of their life to be over as quickly as possible, just so they can spend the other
2/7ths recovering and doing what they want, if money allows of course. Why has humanity gotten to such a state that mental health is such a large issue yet so few of us can seek help? No one breaks their leg and thinks "it’s not a real issue" and that they need to man the fuck up?
How many centuries of denial does it take for the human brain, a machine so complicated it cannot even understand itself, to reprogram itself into a state that it fights its own basic survival instinct. A state that suffering and self-mutilation is a better alternative than seeking help, as it would for a broken limb.
So let me ask you again, in a world with such hurt, such hatred, against a mind that
Itself wishes its own destruction. Why do you keep going?
Why should I keep going? And do not say for my parents, my family, my friends, people who trap me in a painful existence because the pain of ME ending ME would be too painful for them to cope with.
I do not want to be a bird in a cage. But I have no reason to fly either. I do not wish
To kill myself, but I do not wish to continue either.
I do wish it was how I was before I was born, for this meaningless trial to have not
Started. Not for a Game Over, but for me to have never played."