"so money wise, been waiting on my few 1000 my dad owes me and his house to "sell" so he can pay me. but thats been going on next week for 7 months now, and he has told my mum he plans on giving me and my siblings 500 each. even tho i paid all his bills and food for nearly a year and they provided fuck all. Fairs fair in his eyes huh?
so ive been lied to and shafted there. wasting my last few months wage and my redundancy payment. Currently literally starving. Partly because of the body dysmorphia i have always suffered. Partly because I have no food after he and my brother have stolen it all from me.
Mental health wise. I have told me doc repeatably about my state, and I am currently on my 5th different anti-depressant (Sertraline) which has although helped at first. i currently feel worse than ever and now have permanent vomiting/diarrhea.
I tried to exercise when i had a goal (tough mudder) and try to draw, be artistic and energetic. All the things i used to be.
im just not anymore. i drink, sleep, suffer psychosis and wish i didn't play this stupid game.
I am still 258 days
SH free, unsure if just doing that would help my day to day or not. my lighter is a gun shape, so i "test" that every now and again. I dont know... the above poem just fits me, idk why i started here, why i am still here.
A mix of feeling the family/friends chains, my own cowardice of either the pain, or worse yet, failing.