For a while i stopped cutting... and i was doing really good.. i had my friends support behind me and i was doing great.. but ive had alot of things happening lately and i thought i would do it just once more.. Just once... On the top of my hand...
You must be proud of yourself for not cutting. Its great that your friends supported you & were beind you. You are very lucky, because not many people have that. What happened to you, is a relapse...you cut yourself once....you have had a lot happen, but that doesnt mean you should relapse further. Why dont you try & write all the negative things that have happened to you down on a sheet of paper & subsitute them with a positive. For example.
1) Negative - I cut myself
Positive - I only did it once.
And when i saw the blood trickle down the side of my hand.. I dont know.. its like i got an adreniline rush.. and i felt really good.. better than i have in a long while..
Because you havnt self harmed in a while, it would feel good, but remember how good it felt when things where going good. There are other ways to get adrenalin rushes, like snapping a band round your wrist, & covering your wrists in red ink.
Now i wanna do it again.. and I know when i get home im going to...
You want to do it again? Why? Because you want to, or have to....you know you dont know the future, you say you will cut when you get home...but you dont know that. Its your decision...do you REALLY want to cut, do you really want to go back to stage one & start over. Or do you want to stop now before things get out of hand again
It scares me knowing what i am doing to myself and when im done doing it and when im cleaning up the blood and i look at the tissue or the napkin or whatever.. and it terrifies me...
Scaring you shpould be enough to let you know that your making the wrong decision....everybody relapses, but they recover. You sound like you want to recover, because, altough its not wrong, its not a good coping mechanism.
Have you got a counsellor or a teacher whom you could talk to, just explain why you went back to cutting.
I sit there and think.. what would my family think of me.. my poor grandfather sitting in the hospital.. my grandmother dieing of a broken heart.. my sick mother.. my 4 year old little baby brother..
Im sorry about the illness's of your grandfather. and grandmother and mother. When you next go to cut, just think of those you love & put the object away. It's harder than it sounds...but it will really be good for the situation you are in regarding family.
The best thing you can do is ask them for support & in return you give love & support, which means not hurting yourself. Try stop cutting...if not for you, but for your family.
And my friends...
...and it just make me wanna do it again to get that awesome adreniline feeling...
Your friends will be there though thick & thin...and if they are not, then you should get some friends who will be there thick and thin.
I dont know what to do any more...
it feels so good... but it hurts so bad..
Would you rather go through the pain of losing your family and friends, or the pain of cutting. I know I would prefer to give up and lose the cutting, than give up my family and friends.
I know you are struggling, which is why you posted, but Im here to tell you that things wil get better.
I have complete faith in you and you are one special person.
If you want to talk you can PM me
Jamie
xx