I was assigned female at birth but a few months ago I came out as gender non-conforming/non-binary. When I first told my therapist she asked me if I was thinking about starting HRT. At the time I said no, but today I saw a masculinized picture of my face (phone app that lets you play with photos) in which I had a beard. And y'all, I loved the beard. It made me so happy to see it.

So I am thinking about HRT. It's a big decision; I know it is, and I know I should take all the time I need to think about it. I feel conflicted. My gender non-conforming is more agender (though I enjoy presenting masc and femme expression) than me feeling like a "man" (or a woman) so I am hesitant to start testosterone therapy if I don't feel like a man. I don't know how I would feel about the rest of the changes that come with T. I also don't mind my biological sex characteristics, specifically my breasts, and don't think at this juncture I would want chest reconstructive surgery. I feel like even though I think I would really love the look of breasts and a beard it might make me both a target for discrimination (I live in a very conservative state).

I'm almost positive it would also make my family very uncomfortable, as well. While I actually have no problem with my birth name I have been thinking about a name I feel fits better. I asked my best friend, who knows my family well, how she thinks my parents would feel if I changed my name on my Facebook profile. She said they would probably be resentful and I think she's right. I do not want to disappoint my family. They have supported my sexuality (I identify as gay) but I think gender changes might be too hard for them. My mom told me once in frustration she can't get the hang of they/them pronouns (which are now my pronouns), so I planned on just going by she/her when I am with my family to make it easier for them. But if I start HRT, they're gonna know. My parents provide a HUGE amount of support for me, physically, emotionally, and financially. I don't know if I can make it on my own at this juncture.

So I guess I have a few questions:

1) Have any of y'all ever been on HRT (especially those who are AFAB and gender non-conforming)?

2) What can I expect if I do go on hormone therapy? Not just physical changes, but emotional and social?

3) Is it worth doing if you know it would upset those who care about you?