[Tigereyes]

Unfortunately my family is unsupportive and can't even support me financially right now. This is not new. They don't even believe in mental disorders and encourage me to push myself until I get so sick I need to be hospitalized (not with that intent, but they deny that even my physical illness does not make me disabled and think I am 100% normal and healthy). As far as friends, I lost nearly all of them because I was too poor and too depressing. "Just ask your parents for money," they say. My parents don't have extra money. My partner can't handle all my problems on top of all theirs (they have had daily crises too), and I shouldn't only go to them for support anyway. But I have no one else in real life. And a pandemic isn't the best time to meet new people as my state still is only getting much worse, and I'm high risk. Depression isn't new. I was doing pretty good until the pandemic ruined my life. Now I'm powerless until the government does something to not make me likely to come into contact with COVID. If I'm going to die, I don't want to die like that. And I don't want to survive it with worse disabilities and even more debt (from hospital bills). I try to enjoy good moments and do hobbies, but it just doesn't outweigh the fact that I'm jobless and unlikely to get a job before my savings run out. That I don't have enough support and can't get more. That I'm choosing between enough food and healthcare. That I can't afford a single $3 Walmart candle or used book because I might need that $3 for food or gas or utilities. I try to avoid running the AC much even when it's 100-110 degrees outside because it's expensive. Not to mention, my untreated chronic fatigue (as a result of crohns that is treated) is not a clinically concerning symptom, so I don't get treatment for it. So even watching a TV show is exhausting and takes valuable, limited time and energy away from job searching to actually fix the money problem.