[Alpine]

How long has it been since I used this site? I thought about deleting my account, but it's a good thing I didn't. God knows it might be useful yet.

I really hope this thread is new and I'm not managing to commit a faux pas with strangers online. Since no one seems to have posted here yet.

Something I'm coming across a lot is how lonely I am. I really have no friends, most of my family is estranged. I feel it like a deep ache, a hole in my chest. It scares me how the smallest interactions make me glow, because I take it as a sign of how dangerously alone I am. I need to be around other people my age. The last person to hug me was my mother, and that just doesn't seem to do it. It's always a stiff, quick hug, like she wants to get it over with. That's not true, but it feels like that. She's just not a physically affectionate person. The last person I spoke to for more than five minutes, my age, was. I don't know. A year ago.

I'm going through a lot. Most days I'm fine, able to go about my day, but the weight on my shoulders has been crushing me down to the ground without warning. Where I'm suddenly breathing too fast and my hands shake. And my thoughts go

You're weak.
You can't help anyone.
No one would notice if you disappear.
Selfish
Rude
Stupid

And I have no one to turn to. No one to text when it's 3am and I still haven't slept. When it's too much. When I realize I haven't eaten in 18 hours and it hasn't bothered me. When I'm drinking alone because I just don't know what else to do.

I feel like it's out of my control, my loneliness. There's nothing I can do. Everyone here hates me, I think because there is a rumor going around (It hurts how wrong it is and how many people believe it) that has me afraid to ride the bus. I've nearly gotten into a fight at the station because of it, and now everywhere I go it's like people stare.

I called the crisis line two nights ago. I've barely slept.
Please help?