[FaeTheProud]

!!!!!TW: SELF HARM!!!!!

I've been really thinking about relapsing in self harm. It's been in my head for a while. And the thought of doing it doesn't come across as doing it in my house, but when I get to college and my family isn't there to criticize me about it. They won't be there to tell me I'm doing it for attention or that I faked it. i don't want to be ridiculed and told to brush it off when it's something that's led me to think about worse things. I don't want to cut...but I feel like maybe it's my only option. I want to feel something other than emotional pain and turmoil. If the pain turns physical...then it'll be okay right? I don't want to do this. Trust me I don't. And I know what everyone says. "There are better ways to cope; you don't deserve the pain; etc., etc." Those things are said and I know they're true. But in the moment it's hard to remember. I want to be okay. I don't want to be in pain. But shit...it feels like I almost deserve it at this point. I'm trying so fucking hard to not explode. I'm trying to damn hard to not let it all bubble up and come out. I don't want to die. But if I relapsed I don't know what would come of it. Would I go deeper? Would I do it for a long time? Would anybody even notice or care? I'm sorry if this worried anyone. I don't mean to overwhelm you guys (hence why it's marked the way it is) and I sincerely don't mean for you guys to be super worried about me. I very much dislike being the center of worry. But I also want to be okay. I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just really exhausted and...and just done at this point.