[Kate*]

I've considered going no-contact with my dad. My therapist is of the opinion of "Give him a chance, he's your dad." And I'm at the point of "He's had 33 years of chances, and I'm over it." As of right now I have low-contact. Basically, contact is on my terms and it's extremely rare. When I say I'm over him, this is what I mean.

My therapist agrees he has narcissistic tendencies. I know the term gets thrown around, but when I was describing him to her, she said it first. He is extremely judgmental of literally everybody on the planet, but as an only child, I grew up thinking it was just me. But, none of his strict expectations ever apply to him because of some excuse he manages to come up with.

He is in denial of my medical conditions that can be easily proven, and I get the sense he doesn't believe in my invisible disability. Even before having any diagnoses, I have NEVER been good enough for him. Every single thing about who I was, what I did, wore, believed, the job I have etc. was and has always been wrong. And every comment I make is met with a snide, sarcastic or dismissive response. (Well, why don't you do this? when I actually do, It's because you don't do that, etc.) He'd ask for my opinion just to tell me what was wrong with it. He constantly made comments about my (at the time, perfectly healthy) weight, while insisting I wear clothing that made me "look like a girl" essentially skin tight and revealing. My present for my 15th birthday was a makeover and a new outfit, and the stylist couldn't figure out why I wasn't enjoying myself.

When confronted, he throws actual tantrums that scare the crap out of me. He claims he's never had the urge to hit a woman, but there was one time I was ready to call the cops because I was sure he was going to hit my then stepmom. The next morning her words to me (unprompted): "I got out of one abusive relationship, and walked right into another one." He did the same over the phone with my current stepmom years later. If I hadn't been across the country, I would've called my mom to come get me. The last time he was here, I had a full year of notice and I dreaded it. Once he got here I was so anxious and nauseous, I could barely eat. I used work as an excuse to limit the time, and it still sucked.

While not a deadbeat by any means, he wasn't consistent with child support. And when he built (yet another) new house from the ground up, he took money out of my 529 (college savings) plan to pay the mortgage. He told my mom that by the time I needed that money, it would be repaid; it wasn't. Now, legally he IS allowed to do so, with tax implications and a 10% penalty,

I realize most of this happened years ago, but it speaks to the pattern in his character and behavior.

So, this year for Father's Day, I decided not to acknowledge him. Since this has been our relationship, and he denies, plays victim, and throws epic tantrums sometimes with the silent treatment, every time I try to tell him any of this, I excused myself from the social expectations, and let myself acknowledge the truth. A month later, I get a Facebook message from him telling me how "hurt" he was... For some reason, I felt like the truth might get through this time, so I told him (again) and he APOLOGIZED, and said to give him a chance, he can "do better." Who the f*** is this and what has he done with my father?! But, after he went off on my mom (about unrelated political crap) on Facebook, I'm reminded of how he can be, and I'm not sure I can trust him to actually change.

Sorry this was so long, I think I just needed to put it all in one place.