tw
sh//
The past few weeks (especially in arguments) my head has been either so loud or so quiet. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore, it's like my brain is a seperate entity from my body. It's like I'm not here.
I just need to cry, but I can't get myself to. I want to scream, but I'm never home by myself. I just want to go into a secluded field and let it all out.
It's all so loud, people talking, my head,
and yet it's so quiet. It feels like everything is muffled at times.
Is this normal?
Is this just teenage behavior?
I'm stuck in a loop that I can't get out of. A loop of relapsing, saying I'm clean, relapsing again, saying I'm clean, my parents finding out, arguing, relapsing, saying I'm clean, etc.
It's all so LOUD
It's like there's screaming in my head, yet as I'm writing this it's just quiet. I don't have any thoughts except the ones my hands are typing. Is that weird?
Nobody believes me. They think I'm exaggerating. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of living.
Everybody says "it gets better" "just keep holding on" but it hasn't gotten better. It really hasn't.
It's always that my issues aren't as valid and won't matter in a years time because I'm only 13. I need to scream.
They don't know what I've done. the kinds of people I've talked to.
The pictures I've sent.
Is it weird that a part of me is content just staying like this? Just tearing myself apart inside and out? My parents think I'm doing that as an excuse to get away with stuff, but I'm really not. It's just I've been like this for so long that I dont even know what normal, mentally well people are supposed to do. Be happy all the time? that's exhausting.
But I just want to go back to when things were simple. When my parents weren't mad at me all the time. When I would tell my friends and teachers silly little jokes I thought were hilarious at the time.
But that part of me is gone. I don't even recognize myself anymore.
God help me.