[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all this. I can imagine that this is rough on the kids as well as you as a caregiver.

You're right that you have to take care of yourself in all of this too. It's great that your husband is working as hard as he can, but being a caregiver to two young children is tough too, especially when one of them is going through a tough time. Try and set a routine for yourself so you can get out of bed. Maybe set an alarm for a certain time of the day and do something for yourself before the kids wake up if possible, even if it's just siting down somewhere cozy and getting a cup of tea in before the kids need you. When you get a chance, take warm baths or showers with your favorite smelling products. Practice something like progressive muscle relaxation before bed to get you into a relaxed state, or find ways to practice mindfulness throughout the day, even if it's just taking a few moments to just refocus and breathe. Even your kids may benefit from a "spa day" where they get a nice bath in with some nice music that they enjoy.

Does your husband know what is going on? I know he is working a lot but he may have ideas on how to support you and the children. He may be able to offer suggestions or even just be a shoulder to cry on when you need it. When you get the money it may help if you get a therapist along with your child, if possible. You deserve someone unbiased who can talk you through all of this.

Also find outlets for what you are going through, such as writing. You can write a journal of how you're feeling, or even just write things like poetry, stores, or encouraging quotes. It can help to just get things out of your system onto paper.

Maybe for a change of scenery on days when the weather is nice you can take them for a walk around your neighborhood or to the park. It would be a nice change of scenery for all three of you. Exercise is an important way to deal with depression and stress, so it may help. You can even start with a short, 5-10 minute walk and build up from there.

It might help to find a creative outlet as well. For the four year old, he may be able to do something like fingerpaint or color with those bigger crayons that are easier for toddlers to hold. I'm not sure if the two year old is able to fingerpaint or color since they are so young, but maybe find a sensory activity that they can do instead. You can probably use stuff you already have around the house to give your two year old some sensory or tactile experiences. You can paint or color in a coloring book along with the four year old, which would be a fun activity to do with him. It would give both of you a way to express what's going on and just get things out.

Do you think you'd be able to read to them? Thankfully, books for children that age don't have a lot of words and are more pictures, so maybe it would be easier for you to read to them since it's not some huge chapter book.

Start slow. Try to incorporate one new thing into the daily routine for you and your kids to start out with, and then maybe add another thing, and so on until you have a variety of activities. The hard part sometimes is getting started doing the activities and sticking with them when you are feeling depressed. That's why having it as a routine may help, because eventually it becomes second nature.

I think you're doing the best you can too. This doesn't make you a bad mother, remember that. You're just in a tough place right now, but it won't be forever!