[milo_o]

so this is kind of me just saying a bunch of shit bc i can't fall asleep and i'm bored plus i do want some advice but mainly bc i just want to yap lol.

i'm going to be having a doctor's visit soon for something called Vorsorgeuntersuchungen. I had to find the english translation and it's basically a check up to find diseases or illnesses before they become too problematic. it was recommended that i have it done since my family has a history of heart problems and cystic fibrosis and while i'm there i think i'm going to ask her about why my sex drive is so unbelievably high and why my voice is still so high and i haven't grown any pubic hair or body hair at all and i'm not getting all that tall yet since i feel like if my hormones really are as unbelievably high as i feel like they are then surely by now I would start to look like it but i still look really kid like despite having felt a significant hormonal shift over the last year or so.

i obviously have changed since i started puberty it's not like i have just stayed as a little kid with no change at all. i've had sex and i am capable of producing a decent volume of sperm and probably could get someone pregnant if I ejaculated inside a girl who is also physically matured as much as i am, but with all that in mind i guess it's just jarring to see my peers growing up so fast and i'm still a short hairless high pitched tween basically. i guess i just wanna feel more grown up than i appear and feel physically. even though i dont wanna be all gross and hairy and smelly like a lot of the other boys are becoming (i still like being feminine and cute and girly), it is kind of uncomfortable being in the boys shower room and everyone else seems to be maturing and developing meanwhile i'm still just a tween. i'm going to be playing in a football club soon so i rly don't wanna be a little kid in the eyes of the other boys. i don't really have an issue with bullies at school since i live in a progressive area of gemany and the boys i know that are gonna play too are pretty nice and accepting.

So on top of being nervous about what she's going to say about my puberty and how it's going I'm also kind of nervous about the physical examination side of it. Luckily my doctor who's doing the examination is female so i don't have to worry about it being a male that i'm scared of being around, especially naked. She is going to be examining my body for illnesses and diseases but when she does the physical health/function part of the exam I imagine she's going to inspect my penis and testicles since it's also a sports physical that i need to play football but i'm rly scared of getting hard 0-0 that would be extremely embarassing even though i'm not attracted to my doctor at all. she's so sweet and has been helping me my mom and my brother since we were little kids so it'd be rly awkward to get an erection directly in front of her ;-; am i doomed to be stay small forever like what do i do this shit is so confusing aahhhhh qwq. any replies or dm's if ur more comfortable that way about all this would be greatly appreciated bc my anxiety is going crazy over it and i just wanna talk about it ;-;