Hi guys! It's ballsack here
and I'm here to declare that I think I'm a really self sabotaging person. It wasn't always like this. I had so much potential, I still do. Whenever there's opportunity that comes my way I used to just leave it be, not taking it and I though I recently got better! Because I accept every opportunity that comes my way! But apparently that's worse, because I would either consciously or unconsciously do everything in my power to make me fail. Like I'm trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I don't have the potential that they saw in me. It's really frustrating. It's like there's two wolves inside me (furry mentioned!) and one of them wants to succeed and the other one just wants to get worse and worse. I noticed that when I feel like I hate myself more than usual I'd do anything in my power to make my day worse. I don't really cut, but I do say things that would make my friends hate me, ruin my work that I love, eat disgusting food, watch harmful videos on depressing topics. Anything to make me spiral more. Like I wanted to. And I don't know, does that mean I actually do want to hurt? I don't think so, who would want to be hurt? But with the way I'm acting... I don't know anymore man. I'm too much of a coward to harm myself physically or end it, but I keep making life difficult for myself