[Rika]

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you've been carrying an enormous amount of fear and stress for a very long time. Reading your post what stood out to me is that you've been thinking about these concerns since you were a child, and that's a lot for one person to handle on their own.

It also sounds as though you're stuck in a difficult position where you don't feel safe opening up to the people around you. When you've had experiences that make you worry about how others might react, it's understandable that trusting people can feel incredibly scary. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to live as your authentic self or wanting a future where you feel safe and accepted.

You mentioned looking for a therapist who has experience working with LGBTQ+ clients. If that is something that is safely available to you having a supportive professional to talk to could help you carry some of this burden. Even if they can't solve every problem, having someone you can speak honestly with can make a huge difference.

I also want to say that you don't sound weak for wanting support. After spending years feeling anxious, worried, and on guard it makes sense that you're feeling exhausted. Nobody is meant to carry that level of stress by themselves.