[Proud90sKid]

I am worried that I am going to face a bad financial problem from cocaine. I dont use it daily, but I have been using it frequently. It started with a few bumps here and a few bumps there from friends but then it turned into me buying it several times a week. I tell myself "nope, never doing that again" and then find myself wanting it again. I am considering not going to bars as much because I know what sort of financial decisions I make while drunk and also having cravings. I tend to convince myself it is a good idea to buy cocaine, when that is a terrible idea. I also know that I can easily get it in those locations almost as quickly as I can order a beer.

I had this experience with nitrous oxide in 2024. I wanted to see what the hype with "gas" was and the next time I went to the smoke shop decided to buy a small amount- 20 dollars worth. I loved it but it wasnt nearly enough. I went to 40 dollar canisters, then very large (the size and sale of which resulted in my state banning the consumer sale of nitrous oxide starting on Oct 1. 2026) canisters costing over 150 dollars and going through them like crazy (I would take a few days off to try to restore my B12 levels (nitrous causes severe functional B12 deficiency) but then cravings and use again even though a few days is not enough to reverse the B12 problem). I went through thousands rapidly. Only stopped because I went completely broke.

I am worried that this is about to spiral into the same direction. I actually attempted to make this post twice before, and each time- just thinking about it gave me cravings and so I didnt make the post but then I ended up buying some both times. I am coming down from a binge, haven't really eaten much at all in days, look way too skinny, and feel like total shit. My cravings are currently low right now because I can't physically do another binge at the moment- my dopamine is completely depleted and even walking to the next room feels hard. I have had a stimulant addiction before (though with adderall) so it didnt take long for me to adjust to the "familiar bender routine" with cocaine and start binging.

For me, the cravings typically begin as a fleeting thought of doing cocaine again, which I quickly dismiss. Then, the same thought comes again and again and I try to logically dismiss it. Then I subconsciously give in by going places where I know cocaine is likely available but mentally I tell myself I going there for a different purpose. Then after several beers, I find myself disinhibited enough to consciously make the effort of buying it.