Hi Shannon!!
I hope you're having a super fine day!!
When I was young - I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. My second oldest brother [I have two older brothers] was often verbally abusive and would occasionally threaten to cause me physical harm. I was also bullied a lot in school. But I was never physically harmed. Oh sure - I was pushed around and thrown against things - every now and then - but nothing that caused a bruise or cut or broken bones or anything like that. And I often wished that I had been physically abused. At least THEN maybe people would appreciate just how HURT I was. If I could point to a bruise or a cut then maybe I would get the sympathy and the compassion that I so desperately NEEDED. I wouldn't have to try to explain anything. 'They' could SEE that I was hurting.
Maybe - in some way - you can relate to that. Maybe - you feel that IF you were disabled in some way - then people would be more considerate of your feelings and - just maybe - they would be kinder to you and more caring. It's often very difficult for people to share with others how they are really feeling. And even if they did find a way - they're not so sure anyone would understand or truly appreciate just how hurt they really are. But if YOU became 'the disabled girl' - people would know - just by looking at you - that you're 'hurting'. And maybe THAT is WHY you often fantasize about being disabled in some way.
A lot of people really DO CARE. But few of them are mind readers. [Which is something I had to learn] We have to tell people how we are feeling and let them know what we are going through in order for them to have any chance of being able to understand. Oh sure - some people - no matter what you say - won't understand. But that's OK. Just move on to someone else - and tell them. And while you're at it - appreciate the fact that YOU KNOW how you're feeling and YOU KNOW exactly what you have gone through in life. And then treat yourself in a way that you have always hoped others would treat you. In other words - become your OWN friend. So if nothing else happens - and no one else understands - at least you will always have one person on your side.
YOU!!
GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!