[thegirlnextdoor89]

So, I feel really stupid for posting this...but I can't really ask anyone else, because all they say is "well, you already know how I feel about this".

I don't know if this is triggering or not, I'll just mark it as that just in case....

I broke up with my ex in October. I'm 19, he's 26. I met him at my work, he picked up his nephew from daycare. We liked each other for about a month, before we ever hung out. It turned into a physical relationship right away. He was my first. It was nice at first, I really liked him, and he liked me. he made me feel special, and needed. But I started feeling like I was just an obsession to him. He called and texted me several times a day, and if I didn't pick up, he would accuse me of ignoring him. He expected us to hang out every single night, and if I wanted to hang out with anyone else he would tell me to blow them off for him. If I didn't, he would say that I didn't care about him. He always questioned if I was cheating on him. Every time we hung out, he wanted to have sex. I had no choice in the matter. If I didn't want to, he would get me drunk to the point where I just didn't care or was too drunk to say anything. At one point, I had ended things and was just coming by to pick up my stuff. I told him that I just needed space and that I just wanted to get my things and get out. He was looking in my eyes the entire time, like he understood, but he kept saying "well, just sit down for a minute. Have a drink. Just chill", and somehow I wound up hooking back up with him. I couldn't get away. I tried everything. I even went to the police, because every time I tried to get away on my own, he would get me drunk or high. The police didn't do a damn thing. The officer assigned to my case even stopped returning my calls.
It wasn't just that he would get me drunk or high all the time, or that he controlled my social life. He was really rough with me, all the time. He would keep track of my period, and get mad if it came late. He made me promise that I would get an abortion if I ever got pregnant, even though I didn't want to. He would "joke" that if I got my period late, I would have an "accidental fall down the stairs". He would jokingly call me a whore and bitch, but I honestly felt like one. We could never just talk about things, he didn't understand. Most of the time I felt so lonely, even though I was with him all the time. But then there were times where I relied on him. He was my escape, I loved running through his yard, and then into his arms. I loved his hugs, I loved his smell. I loved him.
When I ended it, I lied to him. He called me up really mad at me, but he wouldn't tell me why. He said that he had to see me. I was scared of what he would do, so I left a message on his phone saying that I was seeing someone else. I thought that was the only way he wouldn't want me anymore, that he would let me go. He stopped texting and calling for awhile, but about a month later he decided that he needed me again. I ignored him, the entire time. I got my phone number changed. I blocked him from myspace. Finally, I didn't need him.
But lately, I have been so incredibly lonely lately. And all I can think about is how it felt to have someone care about me that way. To feel special. Even if it hurt, even if I felt trapped, at least someone was there....
Lately things have been really horrible for me, I've been really depressed, and I've just wanted out. A part of me wants to go back to him, but a part of me is scared. I'm just so torn...

If anyone has any sort of advice at all, I would appreciate it....

Like I said, I feel stupid posting this, but I just don't know who else to talk to.