I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps right now.
I just wanted to encourage you to keep reaching out for help to people in your life if you feel you might act on your suicidal urges- if your parents are listening maybe a mentor, doctor, teacher etc. would. If you've been suffering for a while with thoughts of suicide you may have a mental illness such as Depression. A lot of mental illnesses like Depression are treatable with therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes such as exercise, balanced diet, and enough sleep. It is however very very hard to go it alone. Your life is valuable, and with treatment things CAN get better. You've been alive this long. You've managed to not act on your urges this far. So I would guess that if you've been able to not do it until now, there must be some little part inside you that doesn't want to die. try to hang on to that tiny part. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents/ your parents won't listen you could try going to a school counselor or maybe a friends parents, or another relative like an aunt or uncle for advice. I really hope you will reach out to people in your life, and give yourself a chance to heal with treatment, before you throw the rest of your life away.
remember that you can always call a suicide hotline, or simply call 9-1-1 or go to an emergency room (or your countries emergency number)
even if youre not having urges to cut using some of the suggestions on the alternatives to self harm list (its a sticky in the self harm section of the forum) may help you feel better if your feeling really overwhelmed. if you're feeling hopeless maybe you could try doing something that makes you feel more in control or better about youself. challenge yourself to take a small step towards one of your goals. do something difficult but realistic like working out, studying, etc or do a chore around the house/make cookies for an elderly neighbor to make you feel good about yourself.
i know how you feel. all november i was suicidal. i stopped talking to everyone. i wrote suicide notes. things were really bleak. i was stuck. i think its important to remember sometimes you will come to a standstill in healing, and that doesnt mean that you arent doing your best, or that it will last forever.
a lot of things kept me alive in those dark times. sleep. being afraid of going to hell. (even though i didnt really believe in hell) thinking about myself as a tiny baby, and how far ive come. thinking abuot how if i killed myself now, there is so much i would miss out on.
anyway, i hope that helps a little bit. if you want to talk feel free to
pm me.
youre not alone.
megan