[Universal Meltdown]

I'm gonna start with a little bit of background. I've always been a shy guy, girls find me attractive physically but my

personality is lacking, mostly in the area of knowing what to say and what to do. I've never really been in a real

relationship with an official "girlfriend," I'm a senior in high school and turning 18 in a few months. A few times I've

gotten close to getting into a relationship but time and time again I failed to do something right, each time I don't know

where I messed up. The guilt is piled up like garbage in my mind all the time. I think I've gotten past all the previous

girls, but I still hurt sometimes.

I may have been in a depression for the past 2-3 years, I'm not really too sure. So a couple of months ago, I was feeling

pretty good, no girl in my life, which is both good and bad. I had a school trip to go on which would take the whole

weekend. We went out of state for a competition, I was having a great time. Throughout the trip, this girl who I had never

met began to develop a big crush on me. We got to know each other pretty well, I found out she was 3 years younger

(freshman), which was really no big deal to me. Things progressed a little and we ended up holding hands for about 2 hours

(it was really intimate too), I really started to like her too at this point. After we got back from the trip, we kept in

contact through text messaging and we could see each other at certain parts of the day. But the relationship seemed to have

come to a halt, it just seemed awkward, as if we had never held hands. We talked to each other about how we felt, and I told

her I liked her and she did the same. And I mean she REALLY liked me.

And then, she brought up the fact that her parents won't let her date someone as old as me. We wanted to start dating, but

her strict parents confined her. Of course, at this point I'm thinking of ways to get her parents to let her date me. I'm

not the kind of guy that would take advantage of a girl, I respect girls and would never hurt them. I just wanted to have a

good relationship with her, she's the sweetest girl I've ever met. One thing that is hard is just having good conversation

between us sometimes, finding things to talk about has never been my strong point, and she is a pretty shy person too.

I've been really busy with other things which prevented me from concentrating on our relationship, but it is on my mind

constantly. She is the first person to pop into my head when I wake up, and the last person I think of when I go to sleep.

Lately, she seems to have backed off. I've tried to get her to do something several times, like just go to the movies or go

for a simple walk. But she always says her parents wouldn't allow it, even though she said we could go out as long as other

people were there too, she still seems like she doesn't want to do anything. I even asked her if she wanted to meet up in

between classes more and she said I don't have to. I complement her and tell her she is pretty and has a great personality.

She is very insecure, and now it's like she doesn't even want to talk to me, she always replies with one word text messages,

usually taking much longer than before. And she used to stay after school to see me and now she hardly ever does. I saw her

a couple of days ago and she still seems to like me and everything but she seemed sad, I just don't know what her feelings

are I wish I could jump into her mind and understand what's going on. I've tried to get her to tell me why she's not wanting

to do anything, I can barely get a peep out of her, it's always "I don't know."

I feel extremely guilty like I've done something terrible, but I don't know what! It's driving me insane, she won't open up

to me like she used to. The sadie hawkin's dance is soon and I'm hoping she would ask me but I'm not too sure anymore, our

relationship is falling apart, it was a very happy relationship just weeks ago. The dance is a PERFECT chance for me to meet

her parents as a good 1st impression, it is really important to me. In fact, I've never been asked to sadie, so I feel like

a complete moron. I can tell there are other guys talking to her, and I'm always afraid she's gotten into another guy and

forgotten about me. I can't lose her to another little sophomore and freshman, that would rip my heart to pieces(what very

little is left of it).

I feel like there's so much more I could say about this, like no one can truly understand this, it can't be put in words. If

I think of anything else to say, I will add it in.


I just want to go back to the trip.
I just want to hold her hand again, nothing has ever made me so happy in my life and now I am emotionally starving because I

no longer have it and I feel like it is my fault. I am in tears as I type this.

She really liked me for who I am, which is so hard to find in a girl. Everytime I talk to a girl now, I feel like there's

just another guy that they would rather be talking to, because he would be more funny or he would be more of a ladies man.

This is such a terrible feeling. My self esteem is dropping and I cry almost everyday while mainly thinking about how I am

such a failure with girls. My social skills are lacking, and I always feel like no one wants to talk to me because of that,

and I think that's partially true.

I just don't know what to do, if I lose her, that would just be too much.
"If you find somebody who you can love, don't let that go."
I feel like I've let that go.

I know "you can just find another girl;" I'm sick and tired of hearing that. I've done that over and over and ended up alone again and again heartbroken.

No girl has ever LOVED ME BACK the way she did, and I just hope she is still interested in me, I don't know how to go on I seriously have been having suicidal thoughts the past couple of weeks, not just because of this, I think it's because of a great many things from the past and my bottled up emotions. I am emotionally wrecked, drained, and empty. Mental health is becoming a serious concern for me.


Once again this is but a taste of my inner feelings I don't think I could ever describe them with words. Please if someone could guide me in the right direction you would forever have my gratitude.