Please don't be spiteful, Laura. I'm going to give my best shot at these but you have to remember I'm not a professional, ok?
1. I hate myself so much, seriously, like...I really do and I wish that I'd succeeded last night but unfortunately I didn't...*sigh*
What is it about yourself that you hate? Is it something you can fix? Are there things you could do with yourself to make yourself have more faith in you? There are things more productive than suicide. For example, when I feel like shit, I either post on
TH about what's bugging me, or I talk to someone. Sometimes, there no one to talk to because my problems (like yours, and everyone's sometimes) can be.. hard to talk about. When that happens, I draw or scribble or tear up paper. I feel like I'm doing something, and my ability to handle the situation safely makes me feel better about myself.. and hate myself less.
2. I hate the way that I keep having flashbacks from the past, and they won't leave me.
Have you considered getting professional therapy for flashbacks? I think there are also hotlines in your area for abuse victims that could direct you to the resources you could use to help with this.
3. I'm so emotional, the slightest things keep upsetting me and i'm having problems with my temper lately, i've noticed that...
Me too, lol. Sometimes we're anxious and moody, and we take it out on other people. And then they get mad at us and we get mad and they get resentful and so do we.. and it's a cycle and anger and confusion. You have to break the cycle and explain to people, calmly, that you're upset and you need help. There are also breathing exercises (I love these.. lol) and if it's on the computer, one thing I do to allieviate the effects of my moodiness is say "brb" and go walk around and think about what's going on. I can be very hot-headed, and sometimes just a break and a deep breath and an acknowledgement is the best thing I can do.
4. I'm getting freaked out with 'him'. He won't leave, at all...
I've posting on your thread about him, mutliple times. Have you read my adivce there? If not, I'll sum it up for you. You need to tell him/reaffirm to yourself why you're alive and remind yourself that only
you are allowed to make decisions about your life like this, and for him to pressure you in your mind is not right and you just have to ignore it and get therapy, because honestly, it's not good to have dead people talking in your head. It's something that trained profesisonaled are equipped to deal with.. and we are not those people. We can't help you.. you need to find professional help. Try asking your school counselor?
5. I hate everyone...really, I do. Please don't take that personally either, I just can't trust anyone...I can't.
If you have trust issues, it's probably because lots of terrible things happened to you before this. And those issues are one of the many things you need to work on helping yourself overcome. No one said it would be easy.
6. I'm paranoid, to the extremes where I'm sitting in the corner of my room right now, next to the window, and I keep looking out there because I'm convinced someone is going to come and kill me.
No one is going to come and kill you. And if it makes you so nervous, why not move away from the window and take a deep breath. I don't really know what to tell you except that you should get professional help. I wish I were better informed about directing you to it-- that's one of the things that I personally need to work on doing. Why not make a thread on
TH about "how can I find professional help in my area"? I bet someone will know better then myself.
7. I miss everyone I've lost, and I know nothing will bring them back, but I'm finding it hard to move on.
You're not alone on this one. Dealing with death is one of the hardest things we have to deal with. Why don't you look into coping techniques are reaffirm your goals in your life, so you will be less tempted to feel that you have nothing to live for, ok?
Laura, I know. It's hard, but you have to make the effort to make it better, ok? Overwhelmingly, I feel like you need professional help and I feel my limitations as a THer by writing this post :-/