Im not sure what to do at all! All weekend iv been having these panic attacks about WHAT HAPPENED that night. It was valintines day 2010, thts probably the most fucked up part about it, i mean valintines day?! Of all days! Why? alright well i probably had a little too much to drink! the thing i i know my limits when im with my friends. I have an extremely low tolerence and my friends find it extremely funny. But to keep it fun and not potentialy dangerous or unhealthy, we all have a "cap" of how much we can drink. My cap is 4 shots/beers. So that way im drunk but not to the point where i cant control myself im just really crazy. So i was with my couzin and no one els was home. We decided it would be cool to steal a little of my aunts alcohol so we did. Well in about 15 mins i had already downed 8 shots. he prob had about 6/7 but im sure he has a higher tolorence then me. Aright so i went intto the bedroom with him where he started to feel me up i even took off my bra for him and his hands made his way into my pants. Sure i never consented to anything but i let it happen! And i HATE mysel for it! Because of what happened my SI has gotton so much worse and there is no way to explain the new scars to my mom! And my
ED is triggered everyday and im starting to scare myself. I have panic attacks all the time now and am unsure what to do. I feel like its my fault and i kind of want to kill myself. I feel like i cant tell anybody either b/c its far too embarassing. the worst part is to me that i LET IT HAPPEN! I feel like i need to kill myself in order to forget about it. But i cant do that because... i just cant it would be extremely selfish. Is there a way out of all this fucking giult? Beacause i cant take it anymore...