[Lullaby :)]

There's like a week or school left now before I finish and I wish that I'd reached out for help long ago at school. Now, I doubt I ever will because there's just not enough time for anybody to care enough.

I want to tell my best friend about everything but I can't because I'm scared of what will happen if she doesn't believe me...and what will happen if she does =S

He's been touching me for years but I remember it mostly from being around 14. I always think it's my fault - I didn't exactly fight him. I'd move away and try and shrug out from his touch and curl up or push his hands away. I always felt like my voice just wouldnt work so eventually I'd just go numb and blank it out as much as possible.

My mum walked in once. I was just kind of sat there. I'd let my mind go numb and he'd moved a bit away from me like a second before. She walked in and was like 'what are you two doing?', i just looked at her and he said 'messin.' All she did was say 'well dont' and then shut the door and left. Thanks. You didnt even tell him to get out of my room. She thinks I wanted him to do what he did and she pretty much told me so later. She thinks it was a one off - it wasn't.

He's three years older than me. And my brother. I can never tell her.

The reason I never told anybody was because I always think I'm too ugly and fat for anyone to want to touch me like that so I figure everyone else will think the same and not believe me. That's part of the reason why I throw up after I eat sometimes and why other times, I dont always eat.