[charlene]

I suffer for borderline personality disorder and ive had symptoms of it in the form of depression and an eating disorder for six years now and it seems like its never going to end.its so exhausting.. I try so hard with my therapy and sometimes it really does make a difference and helps me to sort out problems. its just when something bad happens it always hits me so much harder than anyone else finds it and i constantly get suicidal thoughts. I attempted suicide a year ago but my friends found me twenty mins before i wud have died. I got over that feeling for a good few months and even though i was still depressed it felt great to not be haunted by the suicidal thoughts. A few weeks ago me n my boyfriend split after 2n a half years and he hooked up with a girl who once bet me up(while me n him were 2gedr) only a week later. I feel like its my mental illness that makes people hate me becuase he just keeps doing things to hurt me now like posting pictures of them having sex online. a week after the breakup i was out with friends had too much to drink and started talkin about how suicidal i was feeling. Two of my best friends who ive known since i was 4 were there and the next day got really angry at me and dont want to talk or anything,. I dont know what to do its like i just make people hate me even when i try so hard to do things for them.. its been wks since i talked to my friends and my ex keeps doing things to hurt me even though i havent retaliated at all. I feel like no matter wat i do its not good enough i moved in with my ex switched colleges for him and stopped talking to my brother just inda past few mnths.. i thought after we broke up we could be friends but he rely hates me. suicide is all i can think of and i hate it. but is it the best option? my biggest fear is that noone will ever love me again and i will lose the rest of my friends. what if i never get over mental illness. what if im a burden to my family and i limit their oppurtunities? also i have no confidence with guys now cause i havent been single in so long and the depression has spiralled out of control in the past year. i cut my wrists six months ago and have bad scars whichc ive become paranoid about in the past few wks and im afraid to leave the house in the heat having my wrists exposed. im so lonely. this is very long but if anyone could offer an opinion on anything ive said i would really appreciate it. Rite now i have no hope for life, it feels like im just waiting to die