[Imaginary]

Thank you for being so kind.

I used to self-harm because (at least as far as I can remember) I thought I wasn't worthy of love unless I felt pain. So I'd cut even when I didn't want to so I didn't want to stop, and then when I wanted to cut I wouldn't so my brain would hurt a lot from not cutting. I'm pretty sure that was the main reason, apart from staving off suicide.

I used to write almost obsessively, and the slightest details I had to write down. It's sort of like indulging in a tick (of which I have a few); the more you do it, the worse it gets. Writing forces me to confront things that I don't like: that I'm turning into someone I hate, that I have to supress myself because no one will like me when I am myself and that's not fun to be alone because if you get too alone you start eating your brain from the inside out. I do like it though; but I am so concerned with someone liking me. I can't be alone anymore. Affection is like water.

I don't like being weird, but I don't like being like everyone else because everyone else is mean and dead and boring. I just don't like the repricusions from being weird.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense; haven't eaten in a while and my mind is being contracted.