[emerson]

I'm really fucking jealous of you. All of you actually, but specifically YOU, my supposed best friend. The reason will seem ironic to you, and it is- I wish I could stay at our school. MY school, fuck it, le mien. The school I'm leaving, the school that I'm leaving before I graduate, the very place that I've willfully decided and demanded to leave. I'm going to cry, and sob, and whinge on my last day and I don't expect you to understand. This school is more mine, more a part of my identity, more important to me and close to my heart than that damn church or even my immediate family. It's more of a comfort, a nicer place, a lovelier campus than anywhere else in the world and it always will be, even once I'm gone.
I will continue to tease you about having to stay there, and I know you genuinely wish you could leave, and I know I'm not 'supposed' to even like it. But fuck you for staying and wishing you could leave. It's a great place. I will visit the school under the guise of visiting you. I will take violin lessons, long after my interest in the fucking violin dissipates, so that I may visit the campus every Tuesday afternoon. And I don't care how fucking pathetic this sounds, because I know I will go crazy once I've left and that it needs to happen while I'm still at home, the clean break from my childhood, but I still regret that I have to leave. I will never say this to you because you don't care or understand. but let me visit you. invite me to stuff. you're part of this place that i'll miss so much, honestly. i'm going to miss you. but i'm going to miss the school even more.