So I've always thought that part of the reason I self harmed was that I couldn't cry. Which was true, I used to be a very emotional person and after some things began with my parents and school I became really numb. I hadn't cried in almost two years.
The other day I went up to my best friends house and broke down, sobbing on her shoulder for almost an hour. She and my other best friend know all about my parents problems which I posted about in family if you'd like to read.
I stopped
SH'ing a few months ago, the really strong urges began almost two months ago and continued.
After a particularly bad night of my parents avoiding each other I went in my room and called my other best friend telling her that I wanted to cut again. She said to stay in bed and try to fall asleep. I keep a razor in my desk and I didn't do anything to big, just enough to see blood, they were honestly no bigger than paper cuts. And really, I don't feel like my parents deserve to know. They make jokes about it all the time and I go along and laugh like I really don't want to scream at my mom every time she brings it up in a "humorous" way. They sent me off to therapy three times and expect me to never cut again.
I don't do it for pain, I do it because I can really choose when and when not to. I do it to see blood and to feel something other than pain brought on by my parents. I do it so that I don't have a panic attack. No one knows about my relapses..so that's all.