[amystery]

I'm sick and tired of jumping for your every beck and call. I'm not doing it anymore.

Just because he was depressed, cutting and suicidal doesn't mean you should've let him walk all over you. I felt like I was walking on eggshells waiting for him to snap at me, or something worse to happen. I'm not gonna lie. I was fucking terrified he wouldn't be here to see my grad, my wedding, to be an uncle to my kids or just a brother to me. But it made me resent him in the long run. Believe me I get that you were scared. I get that you didn't know what to do. I just...maybe I needed you to be here for me too.

Its not really your fault. I didn't want you to see me breaking too. I didn't ask for help and to be honest I probably wouldn't have accepted it then and I probably wouldn't now either. There is still that part of me that wanted you to notice. That part wants to scream at you when we get into arguments. Show you that you really don't even know your own daughter.

You don't know my favorite foods, my likes n dislikes, and you don't know that I cut, burn etc. You don't know who my friends are. You don't know that when I'm breaking...its the people who are thousands of miles, or even half way around the world who comfort me the most.



You use to cut and be really depressed and suicidal...How do you not notice that I'm there too? That I've been spiraling completely out of control. Your calling me stupid and ugly isn't helping either. I'm starting to honestly believe its true. Maybe its not and I know your not always serious about that stuff...your my brother and we joke around n were usually pretty close. What you don't realize though is I take pretty much everything you say to heart. I value your opinion and sometimes I just wish you believed in me more then you seem to.