[darkadventureinwonderland]

i'm new to this whole teen help site...so bear with me.
i'm a cutter. i have been since i was a little girl. first time i did it was when i was 9. i've been addicted ever since. i get in these moods where i'm extremely happy and i feel so invincible. i start to love life. that's when these thoughts come. "you don't deserve to be happy." "everyone you know is using you." "all your friends hate you." "you're so worthless." "just go kill yourself." "nobody would care if you died." they repeat for hours sometimes. even when i'm with my best friend carly. i could be having the greatest time, but the voices never leave. i start to listen to them. i start to believe that i mean nothing, so i cut. i deserve it. i cause pain to other people, so i should feel pain. i shouldn't be happy. if i ignore the voices and leave my skin unharmed, i start to slowly collapse inside. a little part of me breaks every day, until one tiny thing just pushes me over the edge and i can't breathe. i go to my room and just grab a stuffed toy and squeeze it to keep myself from cutting. i cry uncontrollably. i scratch my arms, my legs, my stomach. then i just stop. i shut down for a little while and start to breathe heavy. then almost robotically i give in. i get a safety pin and i just slice up my arm. i can be uncut for weeks, even months...then i just break.

that happened recently and now i'm left with 20 cuts on my arm, and i know more to come. i feel so pathetic. i hate myself. i can't even tell anyone because i know they'll be so disappointed in me. so i lie and say everything's just perfect. i could be texting someone while i'm bleeding, and feeding them the lie that i'm okay. then i just stop responding. cutting has become something i need to do in order to stay alive. it's being dead, while living. i deserve it. i deserve to spill my own blood. i feel like i did something wrong, so i have to feel pain. i need to be punished. i'm pathetic. i'm just so pathetic.