[Lost_Forever]

Hi everyone, i found this website when i googled "Does God love gays?"
I found a thread on this website that had a lot to say on the topic.

I'm having a lot of problems in my life right now, and i honestly want it to end.
I want my mind to just stop thinking.
I want the pain and depression to go away.

I don't want to get into my whole life story, but basically, i'm 18 and gay.
I am having a lot of problems in my life right now.
All due to religion.

I truly want to believe in God.
Death honestly scares me so very very much.
I am a very very loving person.
I generally love everyone, or at least try to.
I know everyone has different beliefs, but i want to believe that there is an afterlife.
I know to some that an eternal life would be scary or boring.
I will admit that sometimes i think that too.
I love my mother though.
I love my family.
I don't want death to separate us.
I want to see them again in heaven.

Here's the problem.
I'm gay and i'm told that God doesn't approve of my lifestyle.
That God actually hates people like me.
I'm sexually immoral.
An abomination.
I should be put to death and thrown into the lake of fire just for loving someone.

This is ruining my relationship.
My boyfriend has become my babysitter.
I told him that i love him very much and i would understand if he left.
He should not have to go through depression with me.
It isn't fair to him.
He still remains.
He loves me.
Is that so sinful? Love?

Religion makes me physically sick.
I'm a complete mess.
If i believe in God, then i believe in an afterlife, but then i must also believe that i'm an abomination. Which makes me physically sick.

If i believe that there is no God, no afterlife, and i just cease to exist, then i can be happy and live my life to the fullest. Right?
Wrong.
Because now i will start to fear that there is no afterlife and when my boyfriend, my mom, my other family members, or my friends die, i will never see them again.

It's always a lose lose situation and i'm tried of it.
I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of crying, of being sick.
I just want to be happy again.
I just want to be happy.
I can't be.
I want to die.
This isn't just a rant.
Suicidal thoughts have been eating at me constantly.