[Cather]

Monday I'm going to the doctor to see about the possibility of having MS. I don't know if I'm more afraid of being told that I have it, or of being told that I don't. I've been trying to get my chronic illness diagnosed for years, but every time I go to the doctor I get bloodwork done and it comes back normal so the doctors always say either "come back in a month if it's still bothering you" or "let me review your file and I'll get back to you" [and then they never do].

I seriously do not think I can handle being told that nothing's wrong again. Every time I go to a doctor I can't help but hope they'll figure out something, and then I'm absolutely devastated when they don't.

I'm tired of saying that I'm sick all of the time, but not being able to say what with. My professors are tired of me missing class and their attendance policies kill me. I can't claim disability without a diagnosis.

I mean, I certainly do not want to have a disability or to be sick or to know that it's only going to be downhill from here, but I need to focus on the idea that a diagnosis is the best possible scenario--I can get meds and everything, and maybe my family will finally believe I'm sick.

But what if this doctor doesn't believe me, or labels me as a hypochondriac and dismisses me, or tells me it's all in my head, or only orders bloodwork and won't let me get an MRI.

I'm just so frustrated and afraid and I just want to be better.