[entangledmind]

I hope you can all bare with me as I try to explain my problem. I have a hard time talking about my problems and putting them into words. I'm sorry if it is at all confusing.
I'll start off where it basically began; I have a friend whom I've known for about twelve years, she 20 and I'm 15. Only in the last maybe three to two years have we become close. There's one predicament; she would constantly go on how I was her best-est friend and how much she loved me. Of course I loved her, enjoyed her company and trusted her but she wasn't my best friend. I confided in her a lot because I do have a very minimal about of friends and she was just a pleasant person to talk to. However, she's always gotten a frustrated when I would share a problem with a different person. She would get hurt because I'd known her for so long but not go to her with my problem.
I have explained to her over and over that often times I'd confide in her, but since my way of sharing with people was more like venting she probably just didn't think I was sharing with her.
And quite honestly I didn't like sharing with her ( I didn't tell her this though ) because either she would start going on how her problems were worse or she'd hurt me. I showed her the scars on my wrist and she gave a look of utter disgust and that hurt SO much.
So to the point I guess, a couple of weeks ago I invited her and to other friends over.
Well I made a huge mistake and I knew because of it I would really really hurt my boyfriend so I started crying. However I only shared it with my two other friends because they were there when I made the mistake. I felt terrible for leaving her out. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew I'd have an anxiety attack if I took on too many problems at once.
I was crying uncontrollably outside while my other girlfriend called my boyfriend to tell him what was up while the other friend sat at my side trying to calm me down. Then the girl whom I'm having trouble with stood off at a distance and said something to me that I could barely hear,
"What was the point of me coming?"
I already felt terrible for ruining the day and hurting my boyfriend that when she said that I snapped. I stood up and yelled at her "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I freaking planned this?!"
I ran off and began crying harder and I could barely breathe. My friend came running after me, and he sat with me until I could breathe again.
Later that week I talked to the girl about it over facebook and I didn't even say how what she said hurt me so bad, I just apologized for what I said. I was kind of stung when she went on to criticize how i acted when she made that very hurtful remark while I was in tears but I didn't say anything. I've worked really hard on forgiving her and I have.
But I feel our relationship slipping. She saw me later and we barely spoke, then Sunday at church we just hugged and said hi laughing some times after. But I saw her again at youth group and she didn't even look at me or say hi.
Later I was sitting on another girls lap when she pointed out I was too skinny. My friend whose ignoring me then said very spitefully, "Yeah she starves her self to be skinny..."
She knows that I can't eat that much because my anxiety is so bad and I throw up if I eat more then one meal a day. I don't know why she's being like this. I don't want to lose more friends.
I have already lost both my brothers, my sisters, and five friends whom all rejected and left me.
I have really bad trust issues and she also knows that.
To add to all this I unknowingly hurt another friend and she says I've broken her heart and she can't trust me anymore.
I don't know what to do. I'm so so lonely right now, I'm very restricted to talking to my boyfriend because of my parents' rules. I try not to share to much with my best friend because he has his own problems and worries so much when I share stuff with him. And I have a hard time with other girls because I don't trust them that much for some reason.
I'm sorry if this has all been very hard and confusing to understand. But I also help someone can help me. I feel so lonely and last time I felt really lonely I almost took my life and I'm scared to be there again. Thank you for using your time to read this and I hope it hasn't been wasted.