Addiction to Depression
 

Soooo, I'm new here...uhhhm. My "addiction", I'm not really sure if I should call it that, it's more of a simple guilty pleasure. I've been "battling" depression since I was 5, I think, grew up in Nigeria, screwed up family, messed up childhood. At first I hated it, it was like a heavy weight I had to carry everyday, no one knew except 3 of my closest friends. No one else could really see behind the mask and stuff but now, it's like my mind just relishes in that weight. I self-sabotage every happy situation and make into a depressing moment, I verbally abuse myself, lock myself away from the world and tell myself it's my fault, that the world is better without me or that my presence makes things worse. I force myself into believing that people only talk to me out of pity. In my defence, all that was true most of my life, hell I think it's still true now...AND that's most of the problem, I wanted to study psychology cause I was pretty skilled when it came to reading people but now I don't know if what I'm perceiving is true or if it's just from my delusional mind but now I'm a 16 year old University student in Canada, I know I'm gonna need friends eventually but I'm a bit...antisocial I guess, I mean I've only had 3 friends and that was in high school plus their in Nigeria. I've already made myself believe I'm gonna die alone, I'm actually pretty sure of that, I mean...I wouldn't be with me (friendship or otherwise), mentally messed up, depressed and emotionally destroyed complicated girl, not to mention the anxiety. And that's just a small percent of my problems.
I'm not suicidal or anything, I couldn't be, I enjoy every sad depressing or sometimes traumatizing moment I go through.

It's not like I play the victim, if anything I make everything out to be my fault...and my huge conscience doesn't help. In middle school,not many people liked me, I walked weird and I have this really high pitch voice. I was in a fire accident as a kid and somehow it messed up my throat or something so it's hard for people hear me. I got picked on...and I mean African school picked on. I mean I stood up for myself, of course I'm weak as hell so that didn't help. I don't blame 'em, we were kids... it's what kids do but of course I didn't realize that at the time. I made one friend but towards the end of my first year she told me we weren't friends and she only talks to me cause she's got no one else to talk to...she was weird too, and of course I still had no friends so I still stuck with her. Then high school came along, see most girls would say stuff like "I'm ugly" when they're not but I'm sure I'm ugly, I've had people tell me, seriously, even my closest friends..not as an insult (sometimes) as the hard honest truth. And of course I still walked and talked weird. The thing with my school is that you can trust the "insults" they tell you are their true opinion and when 30 or more kids tell you that no one's ever gonna like you...well you believe it and I was 11 at the time. At some point I decided I was done, I came up with a plan. I decided to accept it. Accept the views of me, come to peace with it. I'd laugh along when they left at me, made jokes about myself when they did. I later realized that if I had put any other normal kid in my place...they would have hated it but I loved it. I mean it hurt physically and emotionally but I enjoyed it, and I loved how it hurt me emotionally. I came up with this "ritual" thing were, right before bed, I'd recite every insult thrown at me to myself till I believed it (Most of it from my parents), then I'd cry myself to sleep cause it hurt, obviously...and I started that "ritual" at the age of 9, I think...or 10. I don't do it any more, I mean I still force myself to believe everything people and my mind say I am but I don't cry about it, now it just seems normal. I did start getting emotionally detached in some ways, started loosing my appetite and I didn't get much sleep. Now it's like I don't dream or I do and I forget...it feels like time travel when I go to bed. I use to blame my parents, I mean beating a bit of verbal abuse is normal in Nigeria but my parents crossed a line. Not to mention their marriage was crap and my relatives just added fuel to the flame. My mum only has one boy so I can't tell you the amount of times they tried to get rid of us and nearly succeeded.

I don't know if there's anyone else who's experiencing this, I may have made this post to long, sorry... I'm not looking for advice, don't think I want to get fixed, I love life. And all this doesn't disrupt my life, I still have my goals and stuff...I just wanted to know to hear from people with the same...condition.