TeenHelp - Triggering (Suicide): kinda a rant sorry

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kinda a rant sorry

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi,
I'm sorry if this post doesn't really make much sense, i just don't really feel like i have anyone to talk too so its a big rant I guess. For contexts im a 15 yr old female.
I've been off school for a few weeks because I've had a virus, and its made me realise just how little my friends care about me. Honestly, I put all my energy into these friendships and they honestly don't give me anything back or like they try to but it's kinda half assed? sorry ive gone off topic a bit
I've been self harming since my dad passed four years ago. Recently though i've been trying to quit because i think one of my friends found out and shes really close to my mum (we were on holiday her my mum and me) and i dont want her telling my mum . Saying that i feel like sh keeps my more like IDK extreme (?) thoughts under wraps liek it keeps me grounded. Normally i'd do it like maybe 3-5 days a week. I haven't done it in a week now, but its like all my more suicidal thoughts are coming back and no matter what i can't stop them just telling me too end it because no one would care anymore. I know my mum loves me but we argue so much. I got pretty drunk over halloweekend and she was not particularly pleased, i could jsut tell she was dissapointed in me. Recently, I just feel like numb and empty. I know how I'd end it. I've known for years. I've had it all planned out, my plans always been to try and make it to 19 but now I don't know if i can wait that long to just get it over with. I have people to talk to but I know they'll tell my mum or my school and im ashamed I don't want anyone to know how fucked up I am until I'm gone and won't care how they talk about me. Also I rlly can't talk to my mum because shes a trained therapist and has tried to coax me to go to therapy but I had a not brill experience with it and also Im like 80% sure she'd send me to someone she knows and they would just tell her everything. I need to do something idk what. Sorry for this rant i just need to get it out. I just don't know how much longer I can last. I'm trying to slowly distance myself in the hope people might not miss me as much if i do actually do it.[/size][/color][/font]

Re: kinda a rant sorry

Hey,

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through.

Do you think you can talk to your friends about how you feel? You can tell them you feel as if you haven’t been cared about after recent events and want discuss ways to improve your relationships with them. If you want you can also try making new friends by doing things like going to the same clubs/social groups, participating in a hobby, or volunteering. It can help you make new friends who have things in common with you.

It’s great that you haven’t self harmed in a week. Maybe you can find things to do to help you with both your urges to self harm and your suicidal ideations. Here is a list of resources you can use as alternatives. There are a ton there, so if one doesn’t work for you know that there are others there that will.

People tend to care more than you think and notice your absence. You make an impact on people’s lives no matter what. They’d notice you’re gone and I bet they would grieve. I’d also talk to your mom about your arguing and see if there is a way you two can think of to discuss any disagreements without yelling or arguing.

I know you had a not great experience with therapy but sometimes it is trial and error to find one that works for you. Once you find one you really connect with it can help a whole lot. It helps to get things off your chest and they can also give you skills and tools to cope better. They can keep a lot confidential from your mom unless they think you’re in danger.

There’s so many reasons to live, even if it’s something small. You can live with the goal of finishing a cool new video game, or even your favorite season coming up.

You can get through this!
Dez