TeenHelp - Self harm free

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- - Self harm free (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t131304-self-harm-free/)

I've been self harm free for about 397 and there are days when I feel like caving in just because. I have reasons why I would cave in ... the stressful things that are going on but deep down I know I can make it through the urges. But, sometimes I just crave it and sometimes I feel like being self harm free isn't worth it. When I am cutting I feel something but when I am not cutting I feel so empty.

I have reasons not to cut:

I go deep and need medical attention
I don't want anymore scars
I want to make it to 1 year and 6 months
I would like my scars to fade and maybe be able to go sleeveless
I don't deserve to harm myself in that way
I could really do some serious damage

But, sometimes I feel an overwhelming urge to cut. I think things like I could just do it superficially. If I didn't go deep it wouldn't be bad. The only reason I am not cutting is because I don't want to go deep so if I don't go deep it wouldn't be bad. I know myself though and I know if I cross that line I'll eventually go deep and I'll be so disappointed in myself. There is a part of me that feels better without the self harm but I miss it so much too.

I don't know what I am looking for. There isn't really anything anyone can offer. I'll have to live with this forever because it is my addiction and I have accepted it but nights like tonight I feel so close to caving in. Does anyone else feel like this?

Re: Self harm free

Hey there,

I feel like this too. I went a few months free a while ago and I struggled each night to make it through. During that time, though, I could wear what I wanted, I didn't have to worry about staining clothes or hiding paraphernalia. I never got to the point where I could throw all of my tools away but I tried really hard to keep the streak for as long as I could. When I relapsed I felt pretty guilty about it. If anything, it made me feel worse about what was going on. Out of the six years I have harmed myself this year was probably the year that I was able to resist more often times than not. Looking back, I don't know how I kept it "under control" when I was younger. With the warm weather coming up I have realized how hard it is to keep hiding it all. I have been extremely lucky with the condition of some of my body but I still have to wear shorts while swimming and everything.

What has been helping me - and what might help you too are physical things. I take walks a lot at night and sometimes I'll even run as fast as I can so I can't think for a while. You might be able to go to the craft store and get the cardboard that is used for science fair projects - and destroy it. I can't remember how I did it, but I ripped it all up and I scribbled all over it. If you take a cheap pen and push into the cardboard you can mess it all up (just so you're not using a tool to do it). I made a calm down jar a while ago and it's really pretty. I'll shake that and stare at it for a while; who doesn't like glitter? :p If you're into arts and crafts you should definitely look into making one. Sometimes either a warm or even a cool bath helps. Lavender is a good calming scent and you could always light some candles and bring a book in with you. If you're a reader like I am, try getting lost in an insane plot in a novel or something. :) The last thing I can think of is saying, "I want to hurt myself" instead of, "I want to cut". That is something that has worked for me.

You made it a year and I can remember a while back when you were posting in SH free for just a few months at that time. You have made it so far and believe it or not, I used to look at your posts and tell myself that if you could do it, I could too. You might feel uneasy taking compliments but you are such an inspiration to all of us. I know that you can make it a year and six months. Like you said, you'll have to always deal with this but the thoughts will eventually become few and far between. Imagine how free you'll be able to feel going sleeveless. I think you should consider thinking of a reward or something to look forward to for your year and a half mark. ^.^

Here for you if you need anything <3

Re: Self harm free

Your doing so well you truly are, Look to the future, dream of the day you can go sleeveless, that is your reward for doing amazingly well! This will be a distant memory in your future. You deserve to be happy so Allow yourself be, think positive and you will be positive- we all believe in you!

Re: Self harm free

being self harm free is so worth it. :hug: i just think that you've had already went through a lot.. and sometimes thinking about the wounds and scars that you've obtained in life just makes you feel like you cant handle the burden after all... but rest assured, you can overcome this. Keep in mind that sometimes though it might feel like part and parcel of life.. it isn't. You will yourself to make the choices that you wanna make... and you can make the choice to overcome it.

Please do overcome it.. we think you deserve better than hurting yourself. and you should be very proud of yourself.. you've made it to well over a year. that right there is a milestone... be happy. You deserve all the praise and good words because that takes a lot of strength and dedication. :hug:

and just keep in mind that no matter how much pressure or how heavy the burden you might face, rest assured that all those too... are mere hurdles that you can definitely overcome :)

have faith in yourself.. you're better than you think you are!

Re: Self harm free

I feel like this a lot. I quit cutting for four years at one point in my life. It was really hard but I did it. And then I just caved and ended up cutting again and now I can't go a month or two without doing it. You just got to fight it because it is worth it. I felt a lot better those four years because I didn't cut and now I feel like I am letting everyone down.

Keep your head up and keep telling yourself the reasons you don't want to cut and hopefully that will stop you.

Re: Self harm free

Hi there. :)

You're doing so well, I mean, over a year. That's a really fantastic achievement, you should be proud of yourself. I think that if you keep resisting urges, they'll eventually start fading and not be so bad. Can you do alternatives whenever you feel like cutting, or something else? Such as going for a walk, reading, playing a game, something like that. You're doing well setting goals for yourself, I think it'd help if you keep doing that.

Cassie and the others have offered great advice so I can't really be a lot of help. I just want you to know that you can do this. You've proved that you're strong enough to get through this. Also, if you've gone this long self-harm free, then you must have had a big, good reason for it. So stay strong, you've got this. You can PM me if you need someone to talk to. :hug: