Will I ever be able to truly heal?
 

Most of y'all have known me for a long time. I've been around the site to some extent since 2005. Half my life. I could post in the regular forums, but honestly I just don't want to open up like that to everyone, so I'm keeping this here.

In the past two years I have had a LOT of trouble with self-harming behaviors, especially burns. Although there were many varied ways in which I harmed myself, burns were the most serious.

A lot of stuff has happened in two years. My life was completely turned upside down when S broke up with me and we moved. I was still really codependent on her, even when we lived together just as roommates. The pandemic shook everyone, including me. I did come out as non-binary and started hormones, which was (and is) awesome, but when my parents didn't accept me right away it started yet another self-harm spiral after I had gone five months without.

For the last three months I've essentially gone up to two weeks without SH, and then I'll do it again, sometimes a few days in a row. I had a lot of potentially dangerous things happen, so I resorted to burning again. I did a burn I didn't think was that bad on January 6th, but it turned out I had to have surgery and be hospitalized for a week. Because of where it was plastic surgeons were the ones operating on it, not burns. The burn team in my city basically won't treat me surgically anymore, preferring instead to apply salves or ointments to let the injured tissue slough off naturally, and I think plastics is about at that point, too. I feel like my addiction frustrates and annoys everyone, and that only makes things worse.

Five days after being released from the hospital I burned again, this time somewhere no one will see. I am in a lot of pain but I refuse to have someone look at it; I'm pretty sure it can heal on its own and I don't want to have anyone examine it. I am tired of the hospital and I am afraid of what will happen if I go there, both medically and psychiatric-wise. I was honest with my PHP therapist today and told her I could stay safe. So far that's been the case, although it's difficult.

I just feel so defeated. I've been struggling with self-harm almost as long as I have been on TH. It gets better for a year or two, but then I just fall right back down. I am thirty. My goal was to not self-harm anymore after thirty and that didn't happen. I have sworn I don't want to be forty or fifty and getting stitches or whatnot in the ER but I am afraid I may turn into one of those people. I've tried every level of therapy, and many of the therapeutic approaches, to face this, and yet I still do it. DBT helps, but when I am triggered I have a hard time using skills. Currently PHP is a good form of structure, and I am learning new things, but the urges don't get any better. I don't make sense, either. I go to the ER writhing in pain on Friday and then Monday I am burning a very sensitive area so I feel more pain? They probably are going to think I am trying to get drugs, if I were to go to the ER again.

I just want to heal, and move on with my life. Get to a place where I can really help people, because I don't feel like I can help anyone with where I am at. I want to say goodbye to self-harm. In therapy exercises I have written multiple letters saying goodbye to self-harm, but I always come back, like a toxic relationship.

What can I do to heal? How can I move on, and make this a thing of the past?

Re: Will I ever be able to truly heal?
 

Hey,

There's always hope. Always. Even if you are 35, 40 or 50, there is hope. And, I think you are healing but it's slow going. The Eli of the past wouldn't have tried to use distractions before self harming. Yes, you may have self harmed but you can get to a place where you use the distractions long enough and don't cut.

I know we talk a lot about my recovery but I tried to recover over and over and kept going back to it. Like you, I did get to a point where I'd try distractions or I'd be able to go a few weeks without and then I'd get back into.

Now, if I'm being honest, distractions are never gonna work as good as self harm. I think that is one of the things that makes recovery so difficult, you know? We have this dangerous tool that feels good and 'helps' us cope with anxiety, depression etc and it's hard to turn to tools that don't feel quite as nice or help quite as well or as quickly. You have to figure out how you can get to a place where you continue using those distractions until the urge dies down.

I remember when I was first stopping I would spend hours on end in chat. I'd do the ice method, I'd write the words I wanted to cut on me, I'd play with red pen when I wanted to see blood. I played the 15 minute game constantly. I'd tell myself to hold off from cutting for xyz amount of time and then when that time expired, I'd add more. As I got into being recovered longer I would increase the time from 5 or 15 minutes to 30 minute and then an hour. When I struggle with self harm I still play this game. So many nights I feel like cutting and I'll read for 30 minutes and then if I'm still urging I'll read for another 30.

You are making progress and you are healing. I wish I could tell you how to figure out how to get to a place where you can completely stop. It's different with everyone. Explore it with your therapist.

Also, relapses are gonna happen. They're a part of recovery. The key is to keep trying and keep going despite them. Look at what happened to me... I think I'll always face relapses but my hope is that I'll go longer and longer in between. I believe that can happen for you too.

Re: Will I ever be able to truly heal?
 

Thank you for your response, Jenna. I am so glad we are friends. Yes, we have talked a lot about your recovery, and it has always inspired me. I've known people who have relapses in self-harm, like me, but I feel what's different is that they get right back up. They have an incident or two and then are like, "well, time to get out of this funk." But for me it's very, very hard to stop once I'm on a roll. I usually have to be hospitalized, either in a medical or psychiatric hospital, and this time the medical hospital doesn't seem to have worked. I'm not ready to go to psych just yet but if this keeps up I know that is where I will end up. I just don't understand why I have these spirals.

It's true, distractions won't be as good as engaging in self-harm. The rubber band thing helped a bit, but I always forget about it. I liked holding ice, but that was only the one time, and I don't think I've integrated it enough in my "tool kit" to count on it as an effective distraction. I like the idea of drawing words or using red marking to simulate blood. I did the butterfly thing once and it actually did help, but, much like the rubber band, I always forget about it. I think it would be nice to draw nice comments and pictures on me, though. People may question why I have so many drawings on myself but if it keeps me from self-harm maybe it's a good thing? I don't know. As for the fifteen minutes game, it's a great skill but it's a huge challenge for me. I'll put things off for a while but eventually I give myself "permission" to act. Is there a way to hold off from doing that?

I know I am making progress. I am happy to say I can recognize that. But it's just so slow, you know? It feels like it's not good enough. It also feels like I can't keep up with other people's timeline. Like I think my parents are at the point where they can't see me have ANY relapses. I believe that's why my mother was so upset when I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago. They just can't do it anymore. Other people got sick of it, too. I mean S broke up with me while we were in the emergency room for my self-harm because she couldn't take the pressure anymore. One of the worst days of my life. I just feel like I don't have any chances left. When I do self-harm people just get so frustrated and impatient and it makes me feel worse. So I don't really feel like I get to relapse.