TeenHelp - Triggering: Cutting.

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- - Triggering: Cutting. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t84769-cutting/)

i'm new to this whole teen help site...so bear with me.
i'm a cutter. i have been since i was a little girl. first time i did it was when i was 9. i've been addicted ever since. i get in these moods where i'm extremely happy and i feel so invincible. i start to love life. that's when these thoughts come. "you don't deserve to be happy." "everyone you know is using you." "all your friends hate you." "you're so worthless." "just go kill yourself." "nobody would care if you died." they repeat for hours sometimes. even when i'm with my best friend carly. i could be having the greatest time, but the voices never leave. i start to listen to them. i start to believe that i mean nothing, so i cut. i deserve it. i cause pain to other people, so i should feel pain. i shouldn't be happy. if i ignore the voices and leave my skin unharmed, i start to slowly collapse inside. a little part of me breaks every day, until one tiny thing just pushes me over the edge and i can't breathe. i go to my room and just grab a stuffed toy and squeeze it to keep myself from cutting. i cry uncontrollably. i scratch my arms, my legs, my stomach. then i just stop. i shut down for a little while and start to breathe heavy. then almost robotically i give in. i get a safety pin and i just slice up my arm. i can be uncut for weeks, even months...then i just break.

that happened recently and now i'm left with 20 cuts on my arm, and i know more to come. i feel so pathetic. i hate myself. i can't even tell anyone because i know they'll be so disappointed in me. so i lie and say everything's just perfect. i could be texting someone while i'm bleeding, and feeding them the lie that i'm okay. then i just stop responding. cutting has become something i need to do in order to stay alive. it's being dead, while living. i deserve it. i deserve to spill my own blood. i feel like i did something wrong, so i have to feel pain. i need to be punished. i'm pathetic. i'm just so pathetic.

Hey Ariel, welcome to TeenHelp!

From reading what you've said, I'd say the best thing to do is see a therapist/psych. It sounds like something isn't right, and you could have an underlying condition causing these thoughts. Talking to a mental health professional could prove beneficial.

ohmy. i know this is tough. i haven't been cutting for nearly as long as you have..actually a lot less..but now my parents know that i cut myself. I thought what you thought..that they would be disappointed.
My mom told me:

"I'm not disappointed in you. I just care so much about you and want to do anything and everything to get you feeling healthy."

Your parents won't be disappointed. Just blurt it out.
It made such a difference for me already..it's only been about 6 days. YES i do have urges to cut again but I'm working on gaining my trust back. I tell my parents when the urges come and i am starting therapy on monday. PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone. They will help youu. It really is helping me..and i know it is still early on for recovery but if it is getting better now i hoping it will continue.
Take what i told you into consideration. People WILL understand. Help WILL come and you WILL feel good.
I know it's hard to do and to believe. I read theses post and thought.."no I'm fine" "nothings wrong with SH" but since i stopped..only 6 days ago..i already feel less depressed and more open to people and willing to be try.

I told one person before, and he threw it in my face every time we fought telling me to kill myself already because it would make everyone so much happier. i was going to tell my parents the day i told him and he just crushed me. Whenever i try to tell my mom she always brings up how proud she is that i don't cut, and how even though it runs in the family (depression and suicide runs on both sides of my family. i've had grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins kill themselves) she's happy that i don't have it. I don't wanna ruin her view of me...

Well I'm sure your mother would rather you get treated, so you DON'T end up killing yourself. Talk to her.

after 2 years of asking she finally got me a therapist, but the main reason she did was because of my brother. she thinks he needs more help than me because of his weed habit. she needs me to be okay so she can dump our family problems on me. she tells me how she thinks my dad is cheating, how they might get divorced, ect. she pours her problems on me, i can't do the same to her. i almost did today in the car, but then she started talking about how much of an issue my brother was

Well, what about your dad?

my dad believes seeing a therapist is weakness, and you shouldn't show emotions and you should keep it all bottled up inside. if you fail to do so then you're a failure

Wait, I thought your family had a history of mental illness, as well as some of them getting treatment for such.

Who cares if it's "weakness", according to your dad? What's the worst he'll say, "You're weak"? Then you get help to become stronger, thus where a professional would come into the picture.

Don't let your dad's views discourage you. If you feel you need help (which it seems like you do), then get it. It'd be better to be called "weak" for wanting help, than for you to hurt yourself, or worse.

that's how my grandma raised him after his dad committed suicide when my dad was 10.

Well, I don't think you want to end up a statistic, right?