Disability
 

For some reason, sometimes I really want to have a disability. I think it's a mental disorder (I'm a hypochondriac... my counselor tells me I'm not but I still think I'm a hypochondriac).

Sometimes I wish I was blind, or I was missing a foot or toes or something, or maybe that I didn't have hands. I'd hate to not have hands 'cause I need them to type... but still, sometimes I wish I was missing a limb or something.

I've heard of a disorder in which people try to get their legs or something removed because it feels extra or something, but I don't think I have that issue.

I just want to know if I might really have a mental issue and if so, what is it?
Or is this normal?

BTW my other issues, in case it helps, are depression-anxiety, self-harming (not for a year, though), and OCD. And a strong belief that I am a hypochondriac.

Re: Disability
 

Hey Shannon.

Well done for talking to your counsellor about your worries, that takes a lot of courage, so well done - you should be proud of yourself for that.

It seems as though these thoughts and feelings are quite strong - do you think you'd be able to talk about this subject again with your counsellor, more thoroughly?
If these strong thoughts are bothering you I think you should try and talk about them with your counsellor because talking it through might help you gain a better understanding and may help you realise why it is that you feel as though you want to have a disability.

I am glad that you realise that having a disability does often have its negative repercussions and I hope that you don't feel the urge to act upon these thoughts in order to try and become disabled or hurt in any form. If you do start to feel as though harming yourself would be a good idea then you need to tell someone how you are feeling because it is important that you're kept safe.

Try and ask yourself questions about these thoughts if you're struggling to understand. Why is it in particular you want a disability? What do you think having a disability would cause? I hope this helps.

Re: Disability
 

Hypochondrias is not wanting a disorder or disease, but the feeling you have something just because you heard about it, or read it somewhere. The person doesn’t want to have it, but fears they do. And while I am not a medical professional, your doctor feels that you do not have it, and it doesn’t seem like you have hypochondrias from what you explained. But if you feel they are wrong you can always get a second opinion from another doctor.
Maybe this isn’t about having the disability but the attention it would bring? Do you often feel like people don’t pay enough attention to you, or that you wish they would pay more attention to you?

Re: Disability
 

I'm partialy mentally disabled, trust me i wanted to be, now i don't!!!! U do not want to be diabled. You'd get so quickly annoyed!

Re: Disability
 

Well, the hypochondria isn't really related to the desire to be blind.

I see myself as a hypochondriac because I DO hear about diseases and half-convince myself that I have it. My counselor says I'm not a hypochondriac because I don't go to the doctor's for illnesses that I only THINK I have.

Anyways, I guess I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to feel like I want to have a physical disability but it seems that it's not really okay. *headdesk* I will definitely talk to my counselor about this...

Re: Disability
 

Shannon,

I think that speaking with your counselor about this is an excellent idea. I think we all have had that desire to have something wrong with us; it's not that people want to be hurt, but sometimes we want more nurturing than we are currently getting. However, your feelings do seem a bit excessive, so I think it is reasonable to speak to someone about this.

In the mean time, try to consider what part of having a disability appeals to you. Is it the extra attention you would recieve? Perhaps you just have the need to feel taken care of? I think that if you can explore these feelings, it might help you cope with them better.

Take care, and feel free to contact me if you'd ever like to talk about anything. =]

Re: Disability
 

Thanks for the support... This is making me feel calmer, knowing that, like, this isn't something I should have ignored. Sometimes KNOWING that I have something different about me (I will not use the word 'wrong' because others may object to that) makes me feel better. Like when my counselor said I was actually diagnosed with depression-anxiety, that made me feel better. I guess I like knowing what to call my feelings and stuff. I like to know why I do and say things, and I like to analyze, although it's not very good for me.

Re: Disability
 

Hi Shannon!! :smile

I hope you're having a super fine day!!

When I was young - I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. My second oldest brother [I have two older brothers] was often verbally abusive and would occasionally threaten to cause me physical harm. I was also bullied a lot in school. But I was never physically harmed. Oh sure - I was pushed around and thrown against things - every now and then - but nothing that caused a bruise or cut or broken bones or anything like that. And I often wished that I had been physically abused. At least THEN maybe people would appreciate just how HURT I was. If I could point to a bruise or a cut then maybe I would get the sympathy and the compassion that I so desperately NEEDED. I wouldn't have to try to explain anything. 'They' could SEE that I was hurting.

Maybe - in some way - you can relate to that. Maybe - you feel that IF you were disabled in some way - then people would be more considerate of your feelings and - just maybe - they would be kinder to you and more caring. It's often very difficult for people to share with others how they are really feeling. And even if they did find a way - they're not so sure anyone would understand or truly appreciate just how hurt they really are. But if YOU became 'the disabled girl' - people would know - just by looking at you - that you're 'hurting'. And maybe THAT is WHY you often fantasize about being disabled in some way.

A lot of people really DO CARE. But few of them are mind readers. [Which is something I had to learn] We have to tell people how we are feeling and let them know what we are going through in order for them to have any chance of being able to understand. Oh sure - some people - no matter what you say - won't understand. But that's OK. Just move on to someone else - and tell them. And while you're at it - appreciate the fact that YOU KNOW how you're feeling and YOU KNOW exactly what you have gone through in life. And then treat yourself in a way that you have always hoped others would treat you. In other words - become your OWN friend. So if nothing else happens - and no one else understands - at least you will always have one person on your side. YOU!!

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!! :smile

Re: Disability
 

:) Thank you, that actually got through to me pretty well.

I started cutting myself for a similar reason. I was aware, I knew that people would care if I cut...
I guess a disability would be an "accident" that wouldn't send me back to DSS placements and stuff. It won't be my fault unless someone finds out I did it, so I would get the attention I want without the negative stuff...
I'll see what my counselor says.

Re: Disability
 

Hypochondriasis is not when one wants to have a disorder. It's when one misinterprets their bodily sensory information and they believe that they have a disorder, although it's unwanted.

Wanting to be ill tends to fall under Munchausen (sp?). About the removal of limbs, that is called Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID), although it has some unofficial names, however, I stick with the official one. The unoffical one is Amputee Disorder or Amputee Identity Disorder or something along those lines.

For OCD, what are your obsessions and compulsions?
Have you been very stressed and anxious or possibly contemplating some form of harm to yourself?

However, is having the disorders or believing you do, an attempt to avoid DSS placement?

Re: Disability
 

As I said, I don't believe I have hypochondria because I want to be disabled, it's because I think I have everything I hear about! If I had had a cold recently, I would have been scared that I had swine flu and made my mom take me to the doctor's most likely.

Anyways, my OCD involves things being even, symmetrical, matching, etc. I cannot stand open doors if the other doors are open. If there are two closed doors and a third open one I will have an extremely strong urge to close it. I am lazy as hell and hate doing work but sometimes I have the compulsion to clean things. If it were up to me, roads would all be perfect straight lines and never curve but have 90 degree corners. And I would like to never have to mentally grapple with a triangle...

I used to cut myself a lot but I haven't done it for over a year and I'm a little scared to try to amputate anything... I have been having a crazy couple of weeks but I actually have been feeling pretty darn awesome in the past couple days.

I was trying to think and I decided that my strongest urge is to be missing my right leg...
My counselor told me that I abused the right side of my body because I am left-handed. Had to do with the two sides of my brain, and the right brain trying to silence the left brain, or something like that.
So maybe that's similar.

And if they thought I had Munchausen's or Body Integrity Identity Disorder (that's what I had heard of), I don't even WANT to think of what they'd do. I'd be put in a pyschriatic hospital before you can say Prozac.

It would be better if I did not have any more issues, but of course if I do have a problem then I've gotta get that fixed.

It's not so much I feel that my leg is extra, it's more like I feel like I want it gone... Kinda like a drastic haircut, except my leg won't freaking grow back.
My life would be a lot harder (Gym Credits will be harder to get I'm guessing) in most ways, but somehow it still appeals to me and I want to have something ostensibly wrong with me

Re: Disability
 

I have no clue what your counselor was on with the right half trying to "silence" the left half. To me, that part sounds completely, 100% nonsense.

If you don't tell the doctors or counselor about the symptoms regarding BIID, then of course, they're going to have less of a way to know. However, you'll be left to try to battle it out yourself. There's a video on youtube of the Jerry Springer show (not a fan of it) but in one episode, they bring out someone diagnosed with BIID. However, it's your choice if you wish to tell them about it or not.

But I'm curious, why do you want to loose the right leg more than the left leg?

Re: Disability
 

I don't know, it just feels right. Sitting right here, I feel like this: no right leg is fine, no left leg makes things unbalanced.

I totally got what he was saying because yes, I favor my left side and I am always open to abusing my right side. I have most of the scars on my right arm and right leg. I have, undoubtedly, a few hundred scars on my right while there is no way I could even have 30 scars on my left side.