TeenHelp - Rape or not?

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- Rape and Abuse (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f13-rape-abuse/)

- - Rape or not? (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f13-rape-abuse/t108306-rape-not/)

I'm so angry with myself right now. I don't know what came over me.
I gave my adress to a guy, who has forced me twice before. The first time, it was completely unwilling. He kept me there all night, hurting me, not letting me leave.

But then i didn't report him. Because he made me feel like I was wanted. He told me i was beautiful, told me how good i made him feel. And i needed to hear that. So i never reported him, just never saw him again.

A year later, i invited him to mine. Part of me thought he might force me again, but most of me thought it would be innocent, that he would have changed. He hadn't. But part of me enjoyed it.

So last night- about 6 months later. I invited him again. This time I knew what would happen. Yes, it's my fantasy to be forced. But as soon as he entered the house, i realised i was stupid. But then it was too late, coz i'd asked him, and i knew what would happen.

He'd given me a safe word after the second-time. So clearly he thinks it's all consenstual, at least to some extent. But i used it over and over, and he just laughed at me and carried on.

I'm so confused. I know it can't be rape because i invited him over. But i feel wrong, i feel hurt. I don't know how to feel. I do have a fantasy of being forced, which is why i never reported him, because part of it felt good.

But now i just feel so confused. Isn't that what a safeword is? That he should stop. So why give it to me if he wasn't goign to stop. Was it consensual sex or force?

Please help, i feel so confused.

Re: Rape or not?

Hey there Sammy, to some it may be debatable, but the fact is rape is non-consented to sex, that includes saying no, or using a safe word even during sex. If you don't want to have sex with the person, even if you have already started, they need to respect your right to say no and use a safe word. Since he didn't listen when you used your safe word, it was rape. I know you say you like being forced, and rape is actually a common sexual fantasy, particularly among women, but you don't have to be actually raped for this fantasy. You can find a guy who is also into rape fantasies and you can act it all and have a safe word, and have this fantasy sex with someone who will respect the safe word. I know it's hard, but he's done this to you three times now, and even once is very wrong. I think it'd be in your best interest to report him to the authorities for this. If he's doing this to you, he may be doing it to other girls too, who are too scared to say something, and you could be the one to help so many people, yourself, him and anyone else who he may have hurt or would if you hadn't told somebody. He needs help, for someone to be able to do something like that to another person, they need help, professional help. You don't have to report him, but I think it'd be in the best interest of both you and him. And you said one of the main reasons you didn't want to say anything is because you sort of liked it because you like the idea of being forced, which is a common fantasy, but as I'm sure you know, it's a lot scarier when you don't have any control over the situation. I think it'd be a good idea for you to try to date guys who are also open to rape fantasies. I hope that everything gets better, and you can PM me anytime.

Re: Rape or not?

Thanks for the reply.
Kinda helped things make more sense in my mind.
I was just a total mess when he just laughed at me when i used the safe word and was like *i'm a rapist that doesnt work with me*. I'm calming down now, but just trying to feel less confused.

Like the first time, was 100% rape. But as i didn't report it, it made him think he could get away with it again, and gave him the idea that i wanted it. Which i did- but i didnt. Like my body liked it, but I didnt want it.

Just feeling all confused

Re: Rape or not?

Hi Sammy, Yes it's rape you used the safe word he didn't respect that so he carried on. Report him to the authorities. You deserve to share these rape fantasties with someone who respects you and your words. You have mix feelings about it.

Re: Rape or not?

Hey Sammy,

This is definitely rape. You used the safeword, he refused to stop - that's rape. It doesn't matter if you invited him over, or said you wanted to at the beginning. If someone - absolutely anyone - wants to stop having sex, they have every right to ask to stop. The other person has to respect that, and if they don't then that is certainly a form of sexual abuse. No means no. The fact that you invited him round was no excuse for him to take advantage of you that way.

You need to report this guy, and above all, don't see him again. This isn't your fault at all, but you need to do whatever you can to stop this happening again.

Rape fantasies are quite common but they don't involve actual rape - that's why they are fantasies. The fact that he took advantage of this and blatantly ignored the use of a safeword shows that he is not one to be trusted. Please, Sammy, keep yourself safe and report this guy. You don't deserve to go through all this hurt and confusion.