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-   -   Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped? (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f13-rape-abuse/t144154-should-i-have-told-someone-my-cousin-raped/)

TVC17 March 12th 2016 07:04 PM
Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
And last January, my friend told me she was hooking up with this guy who is really really bad. He sells drugs is in and out of jail he said he was even part of a gang not sure how valid that is though. He's very ghetto and has no real family. And very bad character. She told me once around that time that she forgot to use birth control and that she didn't want to hook up one of the times. And that she didn't want to do it. And said like no. But he continued. The thing is she acted like it was ok like she was ok with it and hooked up with him later. Now though she's pregnant. She said it's not his and that it's her boyfriend's. But I kind of overheard him and her talking. And he basically threatened her. And she just said she didn't want anything to do with him. It seemed as though things weren't exactly patched up between them. And on top of that it's a bit of problem if it is his because she lives with us much of the time and my mom supports her but has no clue about this. And I don't want to tell my mom shes very judgmental but I feel like she'll find out she's lying if she is. Ermmm advice? What should I do?

hocus pocus March 13th 2016 03:03 AM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
It can take a while for people to come to terms with being raped, and for that reason, I think it is better for your friend to tell people when she feels she is ready. Telling people can be hard if you haven't yet accepted it yourself and everyone is different when it comes to how long that takes. The only time I'd suggest telling someone about your friend is if you think she is in danger, whether that's harming herself or if you think someone is going to harm her again. In the meantime, I think you should try to support her however you can.

TVC17 March 13th 2016 05:53 AM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado (Post 1228118)
It can take a while for people to come to terms with being raped, and for that reason, I think it is better for your friend to tell people when she feels she is ready. Telling people can be hard if you haven't yet accepted it yourself and everyone is different when it comes to how long that takes. The only time I'd suggest telling someone about your friend is if you think she is in danger, whether that's harming herself or if you think someone is going to harm her again. In the meantime, I think you should try to support her however you can.
That's the thing though he's a criminal and he threatened her and secondly that my mom and our family will find out. Because she's I guess hoping it's her boyfriends but her bf is white and the guy is I think mixed or something. I think it may come out anyway. Maybe I should just be prepared I guess. But my mom isn't very understanding and doesn't like to be lied to. I don't know I guess all I can do is hope the best for her.

But I feel like there's a lot of denial with this for her. Therefore maybe why she wants to ignore this whole issue that she might be in. But it sucks because it's hard to help someone in such denial.

hocus pocus March 13th 2016 06:01 AM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
A lot of abusers will use threats to scare their victims into staying silent. Of course, all threats should be taken seriously but the intent behind them definitely does vary. Maybe you can talk to your friend and see what she thinks of the threats and of whether or not she feels like she's in danger because of them. Maybe you can encourage her to seek help and give her some time to do that, and then if she doesn't get help on her own you can tell someone about it. If you want to tell your mom but are afraid of her judgement maybe you can tell her but stay vague. For instance, you might tell her that your friend went through a traumatic experience or was harmed by someone instead of coming out and saying she was raped.

TVC17 March 13th 2016 06:16 AM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado (Post 1228133)
A lot of abusers will use threats to scare their victims into staying silent. Of course, all threats should be taken seriously but the intent behind them definitely does vary. Maybe you can talk to your friend and see what she thinks of the threats and of whether or not she feels like she's in danger because of them. Maybe you can encourage her to seek help and give her some time to do that, and then if she doesn't get help on her own you can tell someone about it. If you want to tell your mom but are afraid of her judgement maybe you can tell her but stay vague. For instance, you might tell her that your friend went through a traumatic experience or was harmed by someone instead of coming out and saying she was raped.
I don't think that's it. I think he wants her to get an abortion. I think that was the problem not exactly the rape. she said that she didn't want anything to do with him Idk the response I really was not supposed to be listening. Maybe say someone else because my mom already thinks she's dealing with a lot.

I don't think she will because she's trying to hide this altogether. But I can try

maramandan March 16th 2016 07:53 AM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
no need to tell anyone. that will spoil her future. Go for a pregnancy test and take the steps for abortion if she is pregnant.

hocus pocus March 16th 2016 06:13 PM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by maramandan (Post 1228642)
no need to tell anyone. that will spoil her future. Go for a pregnancy test and take the steps for abortion if she is pregnant.
Telling someone will not spoil her future. In fact, keeping it inside will end up causing more harm than telling someone will. When you keep traumatic events inside, they eventually resurface later in life and it is harder to deal with them by that point. Keeping it inside will actually cause it to slowly eat at you, and it eventually makes your personality deteriorate until there's nothing left of you. That is something I learned in therapy. Telling someone can be hard and it brings up a lot of emotion, but at the end of the day it is the right thing to do. Working through it or at least getting it out of her system will benefit her future because it won't eat away at her like it would if she didn't tell anyone.

I know you said she isn't sure who the father is, and that makes it tougher on her. She should take a look at different options and decide what is best for her child and for herself. He shouldn't pressure her into an abortion if that is not what she wants to do. I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with him. It will be harder to heal when she's still connected to the person who harmed her, and I think the best thing she can do is cut all contact with him.

Although she is hiding her experiences right now, maybe you can be there to support her through other life events. She might eventually decide that she is ready to talk about it, or she might not.

Celyn March 17th 2016 10:35 PM
Re: Should I have told someone that my cousin was raped?
 
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your cousin. She may be in denial about what happened, which is one way of trying to cope with the trauma of being raped and might explain why she seemed to be ‘ok with it’.

I think it might be helpful to talk to her, ask how she feels, and talk to her about her support options (such as talking to others about what happened, or getting counselling). It’s better to talk about feelings and traumatic events, than to keep things bottled up. If the baby is his, and she keeps it, resulting in your mom finding out, it might benefit her to talk about what happened, as she will need support rather than judgement. Since it was rape, it was not her fault at all.

No-one can force her to have an abortion either, particularly if she thinks the baby might be her boyfriends. It’s definitely a good idea for her to stay away from this guy, if possible, and I do understand that not wanting anything to do with him, can be difficult if the baby is his. However, there are other options, not just abortion.

TVC17 March 20th 2016 12:32 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by maramandan (Post 1228642)
no need to tell anyone. that will spoil her future. Go for a pregnancy test and take the steps for abortion if she is pregnant.

She doesn't want to do an abortion. Most of my and much of her family are prolife. And she's super prolife so she wouldn't have an abortion probably even if her life depended on it.

She knows I think she just doesn't want to admit it. Either way after that altercation we had there haven't been any problems. She doesn't want to tell on him and I guess she does have a lot going on right now. I guess it's best for her to forget. I have been as supportive of her as I could be as a friend. I think maybe when things are settled and figured out she'll be able to deal with that. Maybe. Time will tell.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado (Post 1228672)
Telling someone will not spoil her future. In fact, keeping it inside will end up causing more harm than telling someone will. When you keep traumatic events inside, they eventually resurface later in life and it is harder to deal with them by that point. Keeping it inside will actually cause it to slowly eat at you, and it eventually makes your personality deteriorate until there's nothing left of you. That is something I learned in therapy. Telling someone can be hard and it brings up a lot of emotion, but at the end of the day it is the right thing to do. Working through it or at least getting it out of her system will benefit her future because it won't eat away at her like it would if she didn't tell anyone.

I know you said she isn't sure who the father is, and that makes it tougher on her. She should take a look at different options and decide what is best for her child and for herself. He shouldn't pressure her into an abortion if that is not what she wants to do. I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with him. It will be harder to heal when she's still connected to the person who harmed her, and I think the best thing she can do is cut all contact with him.

Although she is hiding her experiences right now, maybe you can be there to support her through other life events. She might eventually decide that she is ready to talk about it, or she might not.
She does do some type of counseling but not for that I don't think more to do with her own family problems.

My mom knows about the pregnancy thing she is supportive actually without knowing that it possibly resulted from like rape or whatever. She's doing an adoption or that's what she told my aunt so it's not really an issue I guess ince her bf is going to sign termination and stuff. She won't need him. It seems like this could work out I guess. Just wonder how that works if the adoptive family gets a kid that's mixed idk....


Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf (Post 1228797)
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your cousin. She may be in denial about what happened, which is one way of trying to cope with the trauma of being raped and might explain why she seemed to be ‘ok with it’.

I think it might be helpful to talk to her, ask how she feels, and talk to her about her support options (such as talking to others about what happened, or getting counselling). It’s better to talk about feelings and traumatic events, than to keep things bottled up. If the baby is his, and she keeps it, resulting in your mom finding out, it might benefit her to talk about what happened, as she will need support rather than judgement. Since it was rape, it was not her fault at all.

No-one can force her to have an abortion either, particularly if she thinks the baby might be her boyfriends. It’s definitely a good idea for her to stay away from this guy, if possible, and I do understand that not wanting anything to do with him, can be difficult if the baby is his. However, there are other options, not just abortion.


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