TeenHelp - Friendship advice needed

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Friendship advice needed

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Ok I want to start by saying I really love my friend like loads and but they can get a bit extreme when it comes to political opinions. One time we were talking about the horrors of work nights out and I mentioned how my mum had told me that one time one of her work colleagues got really drunk and started flirting with women when he was married and they (completely unprompted) started flipping out and saying how he was harassing loads of women who clearly didn't want him anywhere near him (this wasn't the case and I don't think I did anything to imply it was) I also have tics and one of them looked vaguely like a Nazi salute except the other way around and I did it once and they started immitating it along with their friend and then when I said that it looked like a Hitler salute they got mad at me so I explained that it was a tic and they were still having a go at me even though I explained what a tic was and everything. Then there was another time where my brother was talking to a guy who was much older than him online and he was saying some creepy things (which is a whole other issue in itself) anyway we are both very aware that if we acted like we were parents and against it then he will do it more just for laughs but they start saying stuff that was quite obviously only going to encourage him I tried to divert their attention so they didn't worsen the situation but they started yelling at me about how their proud of their opinions. I mean I'm a liberal and I like to think I'm willing to listen to other people's experiences and opinions but they seem to view the world with like oppression tinted sunglasses (obviously there is a lot of bad stuff going on in the world) they see oppression when there isn't any (I feel like I should clarify we're both Afab white and LGBTQ so I don't think I have any privilege that they don't so I'm fairly sure it's not me not realising things) is there anyway I can politely ask them to dial it down a bit?[/size][/color][/font]

Re: Friendship advice needed

I definitely agree that communication is important here. There's a skill that I've been taught called DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST. It's kind of a long acronym but it basically teaches you how to communicate effectively. I'll use your tics for an example.

Describe the situation. For example, using what your friend did with your tics, "My tics were imitating and it felt as if I was being made fun of."
Express the emotions you felt. "I felt sad/hurt/angry when comments were made about my tics."
Assert what you want. "I would like you to stop imitating my tics."
Reinforce your stance. "Not commenting on my tics would make me feel relieved and strengthen our friendship."

Be mindful of the other person's emotions, body language, etc, as well as your own emotions.
Appear confident in your own tone, body language, eye contact, etc.
Negotiate when appropriate. If there's room for compromise that's great, but make sure you do not compromise on your values or personal safety.

Be gentle and non judgmental, but also be firm.
Act interested in what the other person has to say.
Validate the other person's feelings, but don't compromise on your own values.
Try and look relaxed and easy.

Be fair.
Do not apologize for what you have to say or for needing what you do, such as your friend not imitating your tics.
Do not compromise your own values for the sake of someone else. Stick to what you believe in.
Be truthful and factual without exaggerating.

You can do the same thing when talking about what you need from your friend regarding their political views and other issues as well, but don't overload them and pile a ton on them at once, or it may seem like an attack. The point of DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST is to try and reduce their defensiveness and get across what you need at the same time.

Of course, you can only control what you do, say, and how you react in a situation. You can't control what the other person says or does, and that can affect the conversation. If your friend starts yelling it's okay to end the conversation, step away, and pick it back up at a different time.

Your friend's response and whether or not they change their behavior after the conversation may be an indicator of whether the friendship is worth continuing as well. It's not right that your friend is doing things like imitating your tics, that is ableist and just unkind. With political views it's okay if you don't share the same stance as someone else, but neither of you should be making each other feel bad about their views unless it's something that can harm other people (and even then, there are ways to communicate about this that aren't shaming). Remember if things don't work out, you always will have the good memories and positive experiences to look back on.

I hope this helps a little!