TeenHelp - Triggering (Grieving): Coping with loss

I don't have a question specifically I just feel like I've been putting this thread off for months now and maybe someone can help me cope a bit better. Obviously this year has been horrible for so many people and I'm not going to be the only one who's lost someone, but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing okay and I should probably try and ask for help. Sorry if it's a bit of a long one.

On either the 2nd or the 3rd of January (I'm not sure which day because it happened over night I think and I wasn't there), my grandads wife passed away. She was one of the kindest people I knew and I know my grandad was heartbroken. She had Motor Neuron's Disease for about 2 years or so and it was a gradual process of her losing the ability to walk and talk and eat etc, and eventually she died just after new year. We all knew it was coming so even though it was sad, I think I coped okay with it. It meant I got to see my grandad for a week because the funeral was local to us in London and he came to stay which was nice.

Anyway, fast forward three and a half months. I'd been volunteering for 3 years, visiting the same person every week, and he'd been sick for a short while. He passed away in March. Two deaths in less than 3 months. This one hit me harder because I felt closer to him I suppose. We became friends and there was so much he taught me about the world and strength and about myself too. I feel like I volunteered with him for a reason because it made such a huge positive impact on my life. He told me all about his past, growing up in the war and all the people he knew. And then all of a sudden all of those memories and that long amazing life just ended. And I really couldn't come to terms with that.

It's been nearly 5 months since he died and I'm still not okay. I feel so sad so often when I think about it and I miss him. I've been distracted enough to get through the year so far but now that things are going back to normal after lockdown I'm really struggling because I'm not going to see him like I used to before everything shut down for 3 months. I have all these emotions and I don't know what to do with them. I just keep crying and while I know that's ok I don't want to do this forever. I feel like with each death I have to experience I get worse and worse at coping with it and I just don't know how to do it. This year feels like it's so full of death and I feel so sad all the time, and I just don't know what to do..

Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to put it out there.