TeenHelp - Triggering (Bullying): I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself.

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- - Triggering (Bullying): I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself. (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t149938-i-want-die-but-yet-i-dont-want-harm-myself/)

I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself.

I've been getting suicidal thoughts lately mostly because of people at school, my younger sister, and mom making me feel literally useless. First of all, the people in my English period at school make me feel like I'm not needed on Earth. For example, "Kill yourself!" or "You're so retarded, how did you get that wrong on the test?!" (Somehow, teachers never catch this) trigger my emotions and I silently cry inside. Also, I have no friends so people are constantly picking on me because I'm a "loner". Then, there's my younger sister. Always copies what I say. I know, not really irritable but when she does that every second of your freaking life including blaming everything on you, every time I just bump into her she "pretends" to fall down and say that it was harmful yet it was just a SLIGHT touch. Like HOLY FUCKING MOLY CALM DOWN. Finally, there's my mom who has literally ears that can hear everything in a one mile radius. I press on the pedals while playing piano, and she YELLS at me for stomping. She also compares me to my aunt's daughter who's in college and has gotten a really good job. She mainly says I'm pathetic, stupid, and that I need to try harder. With all of these factors in my life, I've developed a ton of stress which has lead to depression, which has lead to slight feelings of suicidal thoughts. I sometimes think that I honestly should "man-up" and just stab my self with a knife but the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that some people such as my dad will actually care about my death. With that being said, please try consoling me and helping me end my depression.

Re: I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself.

Hi there,

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp! I hope you find everything that you're looking for here.

I know what it's liked to have kids in class making you feel so small. A lot of people struggle with school and can sometimes get things wrong. It must be hard to have to deal with that as well as the stress of school. I see that you mentioned that your teacher hasn't noticed, but are you able to tell your teacher what's going on?

When I was in my final year of school, I ditched all my 'friends' as I realized that they weren't actually my friends. So definitely try and ignore them when they say that you're a loner, because you definitely are not. I hope this helps a bit. I know how hard bullying can be.

I'm going to also move this thread to Peer Pressure and Bullying, as I think you might be able to get better support there.

Stay strong,
Brittany

Re: I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself.

Hi Marshmallow,

I am glad you've reached out to us.

I agree with what Brittany has said. Do you think you would be able to tell your teacher how your classmates are treating you? Perhaps if you tell your teacher what is going on he or she will try to be more receptive to in turn, help you.

Have you talked to your mom about how you're feeling? I know it is very hard to talk to some people about how they make you feel, but it could be something to try. If you're not comfortable with it or your mom isn't the type of person you want to confide in, I suggest talking to someone else about this. Maybe you can talk to a teacher, friend, school counselor, or your dad.

You said the fact that your dad would care about your death is what stops you from trying to hurt yourself and that is a good start. Anything that keeps you here is a positive. You might benefit from writing a list of reasons to stay and keeping it in a safe place so you can view it when you're feeling low.

If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself, call a hotline or your emergency number. Even though you feel as though your mom and sister don't care, other people care about you. Your dad cares about you and I care about you as well as many other people on TeenHelp. I know words on the internet might not be able to bring a lot of comfort but you are worth so much more than people make you feel. I am here if you'd like to talk.

Re: I want to die, but yet I don't want to harm myself.

Hi There,

It sounds like you're going through a really hard time. Bullying sucks. As some one who has worked in schools before, I promise that your teachers more than likely would love if you reached out to them. We have a lot of students, and sometimes we don't catch the problem. But if it is addressed to us, we want nothing more than to help you. I would suggest talking to your teacher because she/he probably truly does care about you.

I'm sorry that your mom treats you this way. I agree that maybe trying to tell her how her words come across to you and how they make you feel might be a good step. Do you think that you could chat with her about how you feel?

I am so glad that you named your dad as one of your reasons for living. It sounds like he loves and cares about you. I would suggest telling him everything you are feeling. He cares and he will only want to help you.

Know that you are not dumb, stupid, or pathetic. You are a beautiful person inside and out, I am sure. None of this worth ending your life over, despite how painful it is. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

As stated above if you feel like you are in a crisis call a help line or your emergency line. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to chat with. Always here. <3