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Loud notes from a quiet questioning guy. Sort of.
Hi! So I'd like a little advice. This is another long one but I've tried to make it engaging to read. So if I could get just a couple people interested enough to help a guy out?
I feel a low down is in order. So I've been reading a lot of queer literature and watching queer films (Well not many of those cause of my mom, more on that later). My friends have traditionally always been girls, and many were members of the LGBTQ2S+ community. I've always been the guy friend. The quiet, shy awkward one. The one you kinda thought was gay himself. I've been told many times before I have a "gay" personality by those friends, and I've done things like worn eyeliner mostly as to joke to school concerts (Best year in my life, playing bass in that band :D) and organizing queer dances at the school. But I've always considered myself straight as I'm usually only turned on by females. I'm feeling different about that. I've been wondering (Questioning is too big a step) for about a year. I saw a video of myself dancing and was struck how... gay it was. I don't know any way to describe it. It looked so natural and right and I felt something half-familiar swell up in my chest. Like a... pride. And I thought about how confident I would feel, how right it would be to depart from the straight, rigid path I'm walking. Why I'm struggling? Well. What would my mom would think? She's been my best friend in the past but we've fought about this. She doesn't approve of who I choose as friends. At best I could expect her to assume it was a phase. Or kick me out. But she's already letting me know I'm not welcome much longer at sixteen so... I'm concerned it really would be a "phase". But then, I think hard and realize I kinda felt like this for a long, long time. I've found guys attractive before. Found myself wanting to be around them. But, I never have "dirty" dreams about another man. I don't imagine myself ever being sexually attracted to one. I've read that you can be sexually attracted to some genders and only romantically or emotionally to others. So... maybe that? And I wonder if it's just a real need for intimacy of any kind. Do you know anyone who can be alone in a crowded room? That's me, too. I have never really had close guy friends. And I'm just a really, really lonely person. I can feel it like a hollow tunnel in my chest. And I do have some trauma around sexual relationships so I wonder if it's like that... some aversion to intimacy with women. Anyway. Anything that you (anyone) would think could help, please! I'm just throwing this out there. Thanks so much for reading the whole thing through, I know that in the age of scrolling if something doesn't hook us in the first five words, we give up. And if it's long, we give up then too. It's sad but that's life, there's too much to read out there. Thank you thank you thank you! |
Re: Loud notes from a quiet questioning guy. Sort of.
Hi there! :)
The only advice I can really give you is to be yourself. Be happy. You don't have to give yourself a label and follow your heart. I know all of this sounds cliché but take your time to work out what you want and need. :) |
Re: Loud notes from a quiet questioning guy. Sort of.
Hi Hazen,
Thank you for sharing this and reaching out. I can understand your feelings here and I get why you are considering your sexuality as a result of reflecting on yourself and what others have said. Figuring your sexuality out is always a journey. I think for many people there's a period of questioning or contemplating, and then adjustment. Somewhere down the line, you may find a label you feel works for you. Maybe it will take you right back to 'straight' and maybe it wont. Either way, that's ok, and questioning or reflecting is a healthy thing to do. I think it's important to remember that there is no real way to act or behave 'gay'. Being gay is not a behaviour, it's an orientation. Being friends with girls, or wearing make up as a guy, or dancing in certain ways, are not enough to make you gay if you're not. I've met some men who are very comfortable in their own skin, who wear makeup, paint their nails, experiment with drag and are friends with women, who are 100% straight. On the other hand, I've met some very stereotypically 'manly' guys who are very much not straight at all. Behaviours are expressions of who you are in more ways than just your sexuality, so if being gay doesn't fit with who you feel you are, you can still do all of those things people think are 'gay', and be something else. There's nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, if you find yourself feeling some sort of inclination towards men, then it's okay to take time to figure out what that means for you based on your experiences and feelings. You can experiment with labels as much as you need until you find one that fits. I went through many many labels before I settled on the one that worked best for me! I came out to my friends a few times before I was 100% settled on the label I use now. Some people don't ever find a label that works, and that's ok too. The main thing is, like the post above says, that you're happy and being authentic to yourself. Labels are restrictive sometimes because the definitions don't always fit us. But whether you choose to use one or not, and whether you're gay, straight, or anything outside of that, as long as you are happy and expressing yourself in ways that make you happy, you're all good. I hope this helps a bit. If you want to talk about anything you're always welcome to reach out to me. :) |
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