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questioning panic???!
Okay, for a while I identified as trans ftm, he/they, and went by Ashton. Lately, my parents have been forcing a standardized female gender role on me, and it feels almost right. Now I'm wondering if the trans was a phase. I've been going by my bio name, and she/her again, and I barely recognize it outside of home. "Madison, I like your shirt" Oh...you're talking to me. It feels weird. Not right, not wrong, weird. Different. "Madison said that the assignment was easy for her, do you agree?" Oh..you're talking about me. It feels weird. Not right, not wrong, weird. Different. Again. I'm bisexual, and now I'm wondering if I'm straight because I'm realizing I only liked one girl, ever. What's going on?? I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. When I started going by Ashton, I never got the weird, stomach tensing feeling, I got a neutral feeling, something better than what I feel by using my old name. Idk what to do. I want my parents to be happy, so I might just stay going by Madison in places.
Any advice?? Thanks, Madison...? |
Re: questioning panic???!
Questioning is absolutely normal. Honestly it took me until college to determine I was nonbinary. Remember that there's nothing wrong with questioning and you can take all the time you need to figure out what labels fit you the best, if you choose to label yourself at all. It's all a matter of what makes you feel the most comfortable in your own skin.
It doesn't make you wrong or a faker or anything like that to experiment with different labels and forms of gender expression and pronouns. To be honest, I go by Desiree and she/her to family, but Dez (I find it more neutral) and they/them to a lot of other people. I'm not saying hiding who you are is the way to go, but if you feel as if your parents will be unsupportive of you trying to figure things out that's another option to keep you safe. If you have any trusted friends, teachers, etc you can start out by telling them that you would like to try out a different name and different pronouns to see what fits you best and ask them for their support. The great thing is that you don't have to figure everything out right away. Things can be fluid and changing, too! So take your time and try not to let it bring you down too much. It does get easier. |
Re: questioning panic???!
Hey,
Questioning your sexuality and gender identity is absolutely normal! I went through something similar with my sexuality, thinking I was bisexual until I realized I was a lesbian at 19. It's important to remember that the way you identify, in terms of both gender and sexual orientation, may change as you continue to learn more about yourself. That's completely okay! You're simply getting to know yourself and working towards figuring out what your truth is so you can live it fully. It also isn't essential that you assign a label to either. If assigning a label is affirming for you, then I definitely encourage you to do that. But, it doesn't make your identity any less valid if you choose not to give it a specific term. It's also okay to experiment with your gender identity and orientation. Perhaps you can go by Madison in some settings and Ashton in others to figure out which feels more affirming for you. You might also experiment with gender presentation, as that may help you find where you align. That being said, please remember that your gender identity doesn't have to dictate how you present! It's totally okay if you wind up identifying as male but prefer wearing dresses or vice versa. You can also experiment with your sexuality by getting to know and dating people that you have an interest or attraction towards, regardless of their gender. Following curiosities and what feels right to you at a given moment is often one of the best ways to learn more about who you are, as you'll start to learn when you're happiest. If you want to talk about this in more detail, please don't hesitate to respond to this thread or send me a PM. Take care, Sam |
Re: questioning panic???!
Hello!
I appreciate the advice and some experience from you. I do want to add, I've been thinking I was trans for about two years now, and my friend at lunch said "Cis people don't want their titties cut off, Cis people don't do the things you do to hide the "feminine" parts of you" which made me kinda realize more of a "oh shit.." moment. |
Re: questioning panic???!
Yeah that definitely sounds like you’re not cus. It does take time and sometimes even some gentle encouragement to really determine things.
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Re: questioning panic???!
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Feel free to reach out again if needed and please take care of yourself. |
Re: questioning panic???!
Yeah...I also had a moment today where I literally started crying cus I was a girl...I'm starting to think more that I might actually be trans.
I told my parents when I was first questioning and they were NOT accepting, and I told a teacher today about it because I was crying and she asked me what was wrong. |
Re: questioning panic???!
I'm sorry your parents weren't supportive but I'm still glad you told a teacher. What did your teacher say?
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Re: questioning panic???!
She was very understanding, said during her meeting with my grades staff that she'd tell them to use Ashton but use Madison around my parents and a brief explanation of what I had told her. I explained my hatred of my biological name and she said "I've heard that in some trans students that they find their bio name painful"..she made me feel less..alone.
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Re: questioning panic???!
It sounds like this teacher is super supportive. Maybe she's someone you can continue to go to if you are having a hard time.
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Re: questioning panic???!
Definitely. It also helps since she's in the queer community, and in her 50s so she grew up in a household that wasn't supportive at all. I find that helpful talking to her because that helps show she knows somewhat what I'm going through, even though hers was in terms of sexuality, and mine was in terms of gender
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