TeenHelp - Thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I'm so scared.

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Thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I'm so scared.

My boyfriend and i met 5 years ago when we worked in the same shop, he was the manager, i was the saturday girl. He is 43 and i am 23. the ages difference has only ever concerned me in terms of what other people would think. up until now.

He is the only relationship I've EVER had. Obviously that it not the same for him, but he has said that he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me.
So we've been together coming up to 4 years and he has helped me an awful lot in that time. we have built a life together, now living in a house, we've even got 2 cats. He said himself that he knows that if he had asked me to marry him a year ago that i would have said yes - and i think that's probably true. But he has said from the beginning, pretty much, that he doesn't believe in marriage.

That was until the other day when we were in town shopping and i jokingly said lets go and look in that jewellery shop. He actually frigging agreed and was even asking me what kinds of rings i like. This has scared me a lot - because if he proposed now, i couldn't say yes.
I've been thinking a lot recently about whether i really want to spend the rest of my life with him, have kids with him. I think the answer is no. I feel like I've settled into a life in order to meet up with his age of 43 - and now i feel like i want to be my own age again and have the freedom and opportunities that comes with it. its like I've become a housewife already, with so many responsibilities, and i don't want that - not yet.

The biggest reason to stay with him is that i know that i am all he's got. He's got no family at all, and not any friends. I am his world. If he didn't have me, he would go back to living alone and watching tv and smoking pot all day to pass the time. That's what his life consisted of when we met. And being together has given him so much more to his life. I know that, im glad, i want him to be happy and have the good things he deserves.
But what am i gonna do about the fact that i don't think i want to 'use up' my life to give him that? I wish so much i could split myself in two and one of them could stay with him and be happy, and the other one could go off and have adventures and experience amazing new things. Am i being naive to think i couldn't do exciting things with him?

The other practical side of it is - how on earth would i cope on my own?
At the moment he and i live in a house with my sister. With the 3 of us all on pretty low wages, we can just afford to live there and pay rent/bills etc. If we split up i don't think ANY of use could afford to live somewhere alone. But that's what i want - to live alone for a while. to be totally free.
I currently have a car loan and a bank loan that i'm paying off - could i afford to live on my own and still keep paying these off? PLUS we have 2 cats! one of which i especially couldn't be without. would i be able to find somewhere to live and keep the cats?

there are so many reasons to just keep things how they are. But it just feels like they're not the right reasons. I should be with him because i am IN LOVE with him and don't ever want to be without him. but these days i don't think that is the case.
I am so worried that i am just not appreciating the good things that i've got. That if i ever decide to end things that i might never have it this good again and may regret it for the rest of my life.

Re: Thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I'm so scared.

Before making any big decisions, I would suggest bringing up your concerns with your boyfriend. You may be able to work out some (or all!) of these issues with the use of effective communication. For example, if you want to "spice things up" and have new experiences, you may be able to get that freedom while still dating your boyfriend. You don't always have to do things as a couple - if you want to go out and have fun with friends (as long as it doesn't involve cheating on your boyfriend or doing anything dangerous), then you should be able to do that! Having a sense of individuality is always a good thing in a relationship. You shouldn't have to becoming a "housewife" or a "couch potato" because your boyfriend has a sedentary lifestyle. Furthermore, with some effective communication, you may discover that your boyfriend isn't actually interested in getting married. Maybe visiting the jewelry store was just a "joke" for him as well!

A few years ago, I needed to reassess my relationship of over four years. I ended up creating two lists. One was a "pros and cons" list. You're probably familiar with those: make a list of what you like and what you don't like about your relationship. Some things can be changed with effective communication (ex. having more freedom to do things on the weekends, with or without your boyfriend), and some things can't (ex. differences in religious beliefs). The other list outlines what you want in your future husband. I suggest limiting the list to 20 items. Think about what is most important to you. For me, I quickly discovered that there were some qualities my boyfriend at the time didn't possess, and would never possess. Maybe your boyfriend's age isn't really the issue here - it could be his lifestyle, and you need to decide if you're okay with his current lifestyle, or if you want to find the "middle ground," or if you want to leave him be and "move on."

I want to wrap up this post with a comment about the "practical" side of relationships. I understand that some people are reluctant to break up because they're concerned about where they will live, how they will get by financially, etc. My advice is to avoid inhibiting yourself for "practical" reasons. There are ALWAYS ways to get around the "practical" reasons. For example, you and your sister could move out and find another roommate, or ask your boyfriend to leave and replace him with another roommate. You could move in with another family member or friend and offer to do chores until you can pay rent. You could seek out local organizations (government or non-profit) and ask for assistance. Staying with someone because it's "practical" will always come back to haunt you in the end. If you do decide to break up with your boyfriend, come up with a plan... but please, don't let the "practical" reasons become excuses to be miserable about the situation you're in.